


A Romcom Without A Coffee Shop

by Legitaprincess



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur is mentioned - Freeform, Crush at First Sight, Everyone Is An Adult, Fluff, Healing, Homophobic Language, I suck at summaries btw, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, International Students, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining Ash Lynx, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Shorter Wong Lives, Slut Shaming, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, alternate universe where ash is kinda normal?, communication? who is she, mentions of sexual abuse, minor shorter wong/yut lung, sing is hot af, yut lung is all the international student stereotypes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2019-10-08 18:28:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17391419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legitaprincess/pseuds/Legitaprincess
Summary: “Hello again! I am glad to see you are okay! I was thinking you were not wanting to come because of yesterday,” he laughed nervously, scratching behind his head. “But I’m glad I can introduce myself finally.” He looked up, smiling that soft smile, extending out his hand.“My name is Eiji.”ORAsh doesn't realize the international student he's partnered with is the same guy he has a massive crush on. Then they meet.





	1. This Is A Dream, Right?

**Author's Note:**

> this started out as a oneshot but then i was like uno what im gonna try to flesh it out. this hasnt been completely betaed yet so please let me know if there any mistakes. the title may also change since i guess technically there is a coffee shop?? anyways i hope u enjoy reading this!

Ash didn't believe in love at first sight. That was just some bullshit people made up to so they wouldn't seem so shallow as to only fall for someone’s looks. He had more than his fair share of strangers coming up to him, grasping his hand in theirs, professing their undying love for him. In the beginning, he gave a few of them a chance but then he realized all they were in love with was the idea of him. So love was a complete scam. But, sometimes he thought, it didn't seem like such a bad thing. Love. It seemed like such an odd thing, so far out of reach for him. He just wanted to maybe sometimes wake up to another person's warmth, maybe hold someone in his arms, and maybe not have to always be Ash Lynx, just Aslan.

He rolled his eyes, leaning back against the wall, hands behind his head, rolling his eyes. When did he become such a sap? Guess seeing most of his friends share small, soft smiles with their lovers was getting to him after all.  

 _Whatever_ , he thought dryly, dropping back onto his bed, the old frame creaking from the impact of his fall. All he really needed was good grades and some food. Not that he had to worry about the former. Most classes were simple for him, but food, yea, he needed to figure that one out. Lifting his arms up into the air, white sleeves falling back, he glanced over the small alarm clock, realizing he had some time before his shift. He might as well catch a nap and, he refused to admit this, maybe dream of a warm hug and arms that held him through the night. Maybe.

///

Ash’s eyes flitted open to his phone buzzing non-stop. He glared as he grabbed it, wondering who the hell was calling him. A huge grin and bright purple hair greeted him, a flower crown balancing on the top of his Mohawk. Shorter. _Of course_. As he looked at Shorter’s face, debating whether or not to pick up, he was reminded of the day they took that picture.

They were messing around in a Hot Topic, Ash, with his hood pulled up so no one could recognize him in that godforsaken store. Shorter had grabbed a flower crown, and pirouetted to face Ash.

“Don’t I look hot as hell?” he had asked with all seriousness, batting his eyes. Ash didn’t respond, just held up his phone and took a picture.

“Wow, I do look hot,” Shorter came to stand behind Ash, chin resting on his shoulder, staring as Ash added a caption to the snap. Ash could almost hear the light bulb that went off in Shorter’s head.

“Gimme your phone for just a sec.”

The next time Ash went to go text Shorter he was greeted by his thousand-watt smile.

 

That picture always reminded how his best friend was a dumbass but still managed to be loveable somehow. Except right now.

Ash picked up the call, after seeing Shorter had called 4 times before already and sent 20 texts.

“What?” Ash made sure his voice had extra venom, making that single word as harsh as he could. As always Shorter pretended not to notice or didn’t care.

"Oi, Ash! You busy?" Shorter's voice came, unnecessarily loud, through his phone. He held his phone away from his ear, praying his eardrum didn't get ruptured. He glared at some corner in his room, as if it was the room’s fault that his friend had called at such a bad time.

"Yes I am. What do you want?" He let out a loud yawn, making it more dramatic than it really was.

"Sleeping doesn't count Ash," and before Ash could argue, Shorter began to speak again. "Anyways, remember how Blanca wanted us to help out in that student exchange program?"

"Maybe?" Ash really couldn't remember anything about that and he doubted he would ever agree to do something so annoying. Ash rubbed at his eyes, wiping away the residue of sleep.

"C'mon Ash, remember? Blanca said he'd give us extra credit if we helped out? That he’d let you skip the pre-req for his business class?" 

Shit. His hand paused. Ash did remember.

 

The conversation happened when Ash realized he’d have to opt out of applying for an internship because he forgot to take one stupid class. He was ranting to Shorter, when Blanca happened to walk by. Well, more like he walked _in_ his office that Ash and Shorter used as their usual study and lunch spot.

“So you made a mistake, just do the internship next term,” Blanca sat, looking through some papers while Ash turned to him and told him how much of an idiot he was.

“Well, see I told him the same thing but apparently there’s this one big shot company that he really wanted to work for and this is the first time they’re even offering an internship,” Shorter leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head, shrugging as if he didn’t see the issue.

“And who knows if they’ll ever offer it again. I can’t lose this chance.” Ash huffed, trying to figure out if there was anything he could do. Then it hit him.

“Wait! Blanca! You’re teaching that class next semester! The 313 one and the 407 right?” He turned to face Blanca, who had finally looked up, his eyes wary.

“Right…” Blanca raised his eyebrows, and looked towards Shorter trying to see if he had any idea of what was going on.

“So you can let me skip the pre-req!” Ash leaned forward, knowing he wasn’t being himself right now. He never got too worked up over anything but he couldn’t help it. He would do anything to get a chance to work with that company. He had to.

Blanca sighed, and ran a hand through his long locks. “Ash, you are one of the brightest students I know, but it would be hard for me to convince the department head to approve this. I know you could do this course in a week and ace it, but I can’t prove that.”

“How about you have Ash help you out?” Ash turned to look at Shorter, who was sitting backwards in his chair, head tilted making his mohawk look off kilter. “Like you wanted me to help with that exchange kid program right? So Ash can help a kid enrolled in the 313 class and take the exam too. I mean, c’mon Blanca you can do that.”

Ash and Blanca both blinked, looking at Shorter for a moment.

“That could actually work.” Blanca began to hum, looking outside his window, deep in thought.

“Wow Shorter, you sure you’re feeling alright? You actually said something useful,” Ash jumped as Shorter moved to punch him in his arm.

“Alright, Ash let’s do that. If you can help an international student in the class pass, I’ll let you write the exam. If you pass, then well, I’ll consider it as if you did the class yourself. There shouldn’t be an issue since you’ll have to make every class anyways.” Blanca turned back to the papers he had and began to leaf through them again.

“Hey Blanca?”

“Hmm?” Blanca looked up at Ash, wondering if there was anything else he needed.

“I’d kiss you right now if you weren’t my prof.” Ash blew a dramatic kiss towards his prof, as he gathered his stuff.

Blanca looked back down, a smile on his lips. “I’m glad I am then.”

 

"Ok, so? What's your point?" Ash didn't really see what the issue could be and, more importantly, care about this conversation anymore. All he wanted to do was go back to sleep.

"Well, Blanca emailed us our student assignments and I stalked the kid I'm paired up with and holy shit is he hot," Shorter let a low whistle and Ash really wanted to punch him.

" _That's_ what you called me for? To thirst over some random dude? What you do every fucking day anyways?" Ash pulled the phone from his ear, ready to hang up.

"Wait!” Ash paused. “He’s like beyond normal levels of hot, he looks like a supermo-“

He pressed the end call button. Not even 2 seconds passed before his phone started buzzing again. He grunted in answer.

“Alright, alright I'm sorry but that wasn’t all I wanted to talk to you about. I asked Blanca about who you were paired up with and I looked around a bit but this dude doesn't exist. Like I found an Instagram with his name but he has zero pictures of himself."

"So?"

"So, that's weird as fuck man.” Shorter sighed as if he couldn’t believe that wasn’t obvious. “I don't know, just make sure he isn't some fucking weirdo and if he tries anything, tell me and I'll punch the shit out of him, I swear. It won’t be like last time." Ash could tell Shorter was done joking around, his voice had taken on a steel hard tone. He wondered if he should mention that he was the one who usually saved Shorter’s ass when he got into trouble.

Instead he smiled. "Yea, I will. Thanks Shorter," he paused, "but I still hate you for waking me up."

Shorter laughed and Ash felt, for a second, warm.

///

He figured now that he was wide-awake anyways, he might as well check this guy out. He pulled out his phone, leaning against his pillow, and opened his email, scanning till he saw what he was looking for. Eiji Okumura. It sounded soft. He tilted his back, trying different ways to pronounce it.

“Eye-jay Oh-koo-moo-ra? E-jay? Eh-gee?” he shook his head. Nothing sounded quite right. The name sounded misshapen in his clumsy tongue but he knew it must sound elegant. He wondered how he'd pronounce it.

Going back to the task at hand, namely stalking a guy, Ash pulled up Google, and typed in the name along with every social media platform he could think of. Nothing.

Ash sat up, his pillow falling to the ground, scratching his head. He was getting curious now. It really was, odd. Ash wasn't like Shorter, who'd share every bit of his life online, so he got that maybe he wasn't active but there was nothing. Most people had some sort of online footprint. Even he did and he was paranoid as fuck. He scrolled through the search results, moving to the third page, when he remembered Shorter had mentioned something about an Instagram. God he must have been really tired if he couldn’t remember that.

Eiji Okumura. The first profile that popped up was a photography page, full of shots of buildings and nature. Except for one. The page’s first ever picture was of a young boy, or was he a man? His body was built, as if he did some sort of sport, but his face pure and unclouded. The soft black hair seemed to be wind tousled and the boy was smiling, his eyes closed as if he had blinked before the flash went off, hand thrown up, in mid wave. The caption read, “thank you.” Ash was mesmerized by the picture. The boy wasn’t extremely handsome, nothing particularly striking about his features either. Sure he was cute, but there was something else about him that drew Ash in to him. He seemed so soft, yet strong. Ash wanted to see that smile in front of him. Wanted to hold his hand. Wanted to kis- Ash groaned, burying his face in his bed. He was probably Eiji’s boyfriend and Ash was thirsting after him. He didn’t even know the man in the picture. He didn’t even know Eiji.

 _This isn't healthy,_ Ash thought, looking through the comments for anything to give him a hint about the mystery man. He swiped back to what he was assumed was Eiji’s profile, after seeing all the comments were in Japanese, and looked through some more posts. Nothing else about his maybe boyfriend. He scrolled to the top, hesitated before clicking to translate Eiji’s bio. It was simple and told him nothing more about who he was supposed to be helping these next few months. _A student who would love to share how I see the world_.

He went back to the search bar, clicking on the other results that popped up but they all turned out to be old men or high school kids.

Clicking off his phone and throwing it lightly on the ground, he leaned back on his bed. Ash doubted he’d be a creep, and he wasn’t just basing it on the fact that Eiji had a cute boyfriend at some point. The guy also took nice pictures of some buildings. That had to count for something, right?

Ash covered his face with his hands. God, he was a fucking mess. So what if he was basing this guy’s entire personality on the fact that he had good taste in guys? If he did turn out to be a real creep, Ash would punch his balls out. He turned to his side, tucking his arm underneath his head. As he closed his eyes, an image of a smiling man, with messy hair ran on repeat in his mind.

///

Ash woke up for the second time that day with a start. He picked up his phone, squinting when the bright light blinded him. 11:30. He blinked a few times, letting his eyes adjust before opening up his phone and seeing if God had let someone else take his shitty shift at Target.

As he scrolled through his messages (and saw that all his coworkers saw his message but conveniently forgot to reply, the assholes) a notification popped up.

 _Eiji Okumura has requested to follow you_. Ah. Ash ran a hand through his hair, noting, for a moment, how the light that drifted in caught on it and made the blonde look like a rainbow and wondered how it would look on messy black hair. He blinked twice, before sitting up and getting back to the matter at hand. So his Eiji was the same Eiji, who may or may not have an extremely cute boyfriend that Ash may or may not be slightly enamoured with.

He fell back on his bed, wondering since when did his life get so complicated? This was like one of those shitty teen dramas, that Shorter loved to watch and forced Ash and Sing to binge with him. The thought of Shorter made Ash swear under is breath. God, if Shorter heard about this, he would never let Ash hear the end of it. He would probably and go write fanfics about it and ask if he had a kink for being the other man. But Ash needed advice. He’d tell Shorter, just after he figured out what the hell to do. He sighed, picking up his phone and sending a text to someone who would also laugh at him, but at least hear him out before laughing.

Ash’s phone rung 5 minutes after he sent the text.

“Ash! Are you all right? What happened? Do you want to come over? Jessica is worried about you, you know.”

“I’m fine old man. I just need some advice, calm down.” Ash rolled his eyes, feeling a headache come on. He’d never admit it, but he did love his guardian. The only father figure he had in his life, Max was a good guy, but just like Shorter, his voice was louder than it had to be. He wondered for a moment how it was possible to have a voice so loud and not be rasping by the end of the day.

“If you’re asking for advice, I don’t think I can believe you’re fine.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be there for me and listen to me and help me out or some bullshit like that?”

“Ash, I’m always here to listen to you kiddo. Don’t ever think I’m not.” Max’s voice lost its teasing edge. He really was like Shorter. He’d joke around but when everything was said and done, he would tell Ash straight up what he felt. It was refreshing and real.  _Unlike you,_ the small voice in the back of his head whispered. He pointedly ignored it, shoving the thought away for later, when he'd have more time to overanalyze it and make himself feel like shit. 

“Yea, well are you free today? I have a shift at 12:30, but I’ll be done at 5. Can I swing by for a bit?”

“Stuck with the late shift again I see. You can come by whenever you’d like Ash. Jess is gonna be over the moon when she hears you’re gonna come. Are you planning on staying the night?” Max was humming lightly in the background, something he only did when he felt truly excited. It made Ash feel that same soft warmth he felt with Shorter sometimes.

“If you can drop me back at campus by 10 tomorrow, sure.”

“You barely come home,” that word made Ash’s stomach flip, “so of course. I wouldn’t mind dropping you to your college normally, you know.” Max finished, sighing, expecting a retort. They had this argument a million times already. Ash already felt guilty that Max and Jessica were paying for most of his tuition and the fact that they had taken care of him for years now didn’t help make it any easier. He didn’t want to burden them anymore. And he knew if he told Max that, Max would tell him to not to be stupid. But he couldn’t help feeling that way.

“Thanks. I’ll see you tonight then.” He was too tired to run through this argument and besides, he didn’t want to.

“Sure thing. I’m picking you up from work though.”

Ash muttered something about overbearing old men, knowing he couldn’t argue his way through this. Not that he minded being taken care of sometimes. It made him feel normal. It made him feel as if he belonged.

“Ok, thanks Max.”

He ended the call, stretching his arms above his head, tilting left and right. He felt a bit lighter, knowing he had a game plan, sort of. At least he knew Max would maybe give him some decent advice. That or he’d laugh at Ash, but at least he’d get some good food out of it.

He picked up the bright red shirt, smelling to see if it was alright before shrugging it on. It didn’t matter really, his shift was only a few hours. Plus, if he smelled like shit, maybe no customers would approach him. He pulled on those disgusting khaki pants that he swore he’d burn as soon as he got a better job and pulled on his shoes. Grabbing his keys and bag, he turned to look back at his small apartment.

It was small, but for one person, it was consuming. The emptiness seemed to pour out of the corners, seemingly waiting to be filled with laughter. He hated living alone. He had roomed with Shorter in the beginning but when Shorter had to move back to live with his sister Nadia, he was left alone again.

 

“Why not just put an ad up for a roomie? I know being alone makes you get all anxious,” Ash looked up from his end of the sofa. Shorter had pointedly avoided the topic of a new roommate the entire the week he had spent gathering his things and moving them back to his old place. Ash thought that maybe he had some tact. Ash was clearly wrong.

“You think I’m that desperate that I’ll live with anybody?”

“You seemed pretty desperate when you asked me.” Shorted kept his eyes on the T.V, flipping through channels.

“Fuck off.” Ash looked back at his notes, trying to figure out what exactly he had written during his 8 AM lecture, sans coffee. He stayed quiet for a moment before he decided it wouldn’t kill him to be honest once in a while. “I don’t wanna live with someone I don’t know anything about. I’d rather stay alone.”

Shorter didn’t say anything, just hummed slightly, before leaning over and ruffling Ash’s hair. “Nadia invited you for dinner tonight.”

 

Ash shook his head. Yea, he hated living alone, but it was fine. He had to get used to it sooner or later. Sing was already living in a frat house, Cain with his girlfriend, and his old high school friends had all left the city or gone to other colleges. Yea, it was fine. He’d survive.

He closed the door and decided maybe he would spend the night at Max’s.

///

The store was dead, just how Ash liked it. There wasn’t much to do. He had already done some shelving, checked to make sure there was enough cash in the cash register, and was now walking around, picking up things customers had thrown on the ground. Did they not have any fucking decency? Would it kill them to put whatever they picked up on a shelf? He wasn’t asking for much. He bent down, picking up some t-shirts that were out of season and on sale. The sale section was always the worst, with clothes everywhere, customers haggling and lots of kids yelling. He folded up the first shirt, placing it back on the shelf.

As he reached for a bright green one (god who even wore bright green now?) a hand came forward, picking it up for him. Ash looked up and thought he must be dreaming. The man in front of him had wavy black hair, that looked messy but in an endearing manner. He had a sheepish smile, and his eyes were as wide as oceans, dark and never ending. _Eiji’s boyfriend_. Ash didn’t realize breathing took so much effort.

“Oh, I am so sorry. I wanted to help you, you looked tired,” the man offered up shyly, an accent tingeing his words. It was soft and polite and so unlike him. Ash wanted to hear that voice ring in his ears everyday. He swallowed harshly, smiling back at him. He wanted to laugh. His life was turning into a fucking romcom or something. Meeting the guy he was slightly crushing on at his part-time job? The only way it could get even more cliched was if he worked at a coffee shop or some fucking floral boutique.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it. It is my job after all.” Like hell he cared about his job, but he remembered Nadia once saying how there was nothing more attractive than a man who took his job seriously and Ash had to work with what he had. “Do you like that shirt? I think green would look good on you.”

“Really? This green, it is not a very nice one,” the boy laughed, looked up at Ash, his eyes crinkled up. “But your eyes. They are a very pretty green. They are almost like a jade.”

Ash’s mouth went dry. He always got compliments on his eyes but none so soft and genuine. None that seemed to truly look at them and him. Fuck. He had to say something. Anything, but his mouth just wouldn’t work.

After a moment of silence, the boy furrowed his brow and began to stammer. “Ah, I am very sorry. I did not mean to offend. My English is not the best so-“

“Wait, why are you apologizing?” Ash caught the boy off, his mouth finally connecting to his brain, and raised one eyebrow up.

“Ah, that is because I thought I had said something that had caused you offense. I am sorry if that’s the case,” the boy dipped his head in apology, eyes glued to the floor.

“No, no. I was just kinda surprised that’s all. Most people just say they think my eyes are nice. You’re the first to name the color and that was just kinda sweet. Thank you,” Ash smiled softly as the boy raised his head, a smile appearing on his face as well.

“I am glad then.” The boy held his smile for a moment more and Ash basked in the warmth of it. God he was a mess, getting whipped for a man who he only knew through a picture and a 5 minute conversation. He wished he could care.

The moment was interrupted when a long haired boy came around to Eiji’s boyfriend, looping their arms together, leaning on him.

“God, there’s nothing decent here. Why’d we even come here?” The longer haired boy pouted at Eiji’s boyfriend, and Eiji’s boyfriend rolled his eyes affectionately.

It took a moment for Ash to grasp the situation. A man had just come up to Eiji’s boyfriend, casually grabbed his arm, complaining to him and Eiji’s boyfriend looked completely comfortable. Eiji’s boyfriend was acting like he was dating this random guy, which meant he had to be Eiji. Ash hated his luck, but he smiled his best ‘I fucking hate you but I’ll pretend to be civil’ smile. He began to mechanically fold more clothes, placing them in their proper spots.

“It is because they have good, fast printing. Very inexpensive as well,” Eiji’s boyfriend tried to explain and Eiji just seemed to not care. What a fucking asshole. This guy could do so much better. In fact, Ash was _sure_ his middle name was Better. He should definitely do him.

“I’m guessing this is your boyfriend?” Ash casually stepped into the conversation, picking up the green abomination from Mr. Boyfriend’s hands, folding it deftly.

“Ah, wait! No, no! He is just friend. A very good friend!” he began to blush, leaning slightly away from Eiji. Eiji let go, shrugging and before moving to the rack beside them, and began to look through the shirts. He made a show of opening up each shirt and then folding it back in the worst possible way. He looked up innocently at Ash, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

 _Oops._ Ash could almost hear his voice. So he was _that_  kind of customer. Dipshit. He turned his attention back to Eiji’s boyfriend, smiling at the nervous man.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I don’t really care,” he cared too much, “I mean more power to you. By the way, I never did catch your name.”

“My name? It is –“

“Sweetie, you really shouldn’t be giving out your name to random strangers, especially ones that look like  _that_ ,” Eiji interrupted his boyfriend, not looking up at Ash. He was holding up a collared shirt to the light, checking it for god knows what.

“Oh, umm…” his boyfriend looked away now, hand coming to scratch the back of his neck, a slight blush coloring his ears.

Ash hated Eiji but really was he wrong? He would have said the same thing if he had been in his place, if his boyfriend was so trusting and kind. But still, he wanted to punch him. Instead he smiled, first at Eiji who had finally looked up at him and shot daggers at him, then at his boyfriend.

“Hey, your boyfriend’s right. You don’t have to tell me anything. But I’m Ash.” He smiled softly at him, before pretending to check his watch. “Well, I gotta go but, it was nice to meet you,”  _not you, Eiji,_ he thought glaring at him for a second. “Maybe I’ll see you around?”

The boy nodded, smiling again. “Yes, maybe. Thank you for helping me again,” he winked, pointing towards the neon green shirt, making Ash chuckle.

“Anytime.”

///

“Ash you smell like crap.”

“Hello to you too, old man,” Ash rolled his eyes as he plopped down in the passenger seat, putting his legs up on the dashboard. He closed his eyes but opened them up again when the car hadn’t moved an inch. Max looked pointedly at his seatbelt and Ash sighed, buckling it.

“You know I won’t let you get a car till you fix that habit of yours.” Max turned on the car, switching on the indicator to back out of the narrow parking space.

“Who says I want a car?”

“Well, according to Michael, you said that as soon as you’d get one, you’d take him out for ice cream. And we both know you love to spoil Michael.”

Dammit. Ash loved Michael but the kid had to tell Max everything, didn't he. “Whatever.”

“Are you seeing your therapist still?” Max kept his eyes on the road, his tone light but Ash could tell he was trying to get answers. He debated if he should be an ass about it or just be honest. He decided on honesty. The man deserved to know, he was paying for it after all.

“No.”

Max nodded, not too surprised. “Wanna tell me why?”

“He just didn’t get it. He was always talking about how the past makes us able to live and how I should move on and-“ Ash stopped, taking a deep breath, controlling himself before he had another panic attack. When his breathing felt normal he continued. “He just made me feel like shit.”

Max reached over, ruffling Ash’s hair. “Well, Jessica has this one friend who may be somewhat helpful.”

“Yea?”

“Yea. The guy’s name is Charlie, used to be a cop before realizing the system was rigged. He does mostly pro-bono work, choosing his clients. He wants to meet you, if you’re ok with it.”

“I’ll think about it.” Ash looked out the window, tired of thinking. He saw Max’s reflection nodding and he was grateful the old man didn’t attempt to ask further.

The rest of the car ride was in a comforting silence that lulled Ash into a state of daydream. He dreamed of wide, open plains, set against the deep blue sky, time at a standstill. He felt Max’s hand on his head, rubbing it softly reminding him of his older brother, Griffin.

The memory of his older brother made his eyes itch, his nose burn and his head hurt. His brother who had essentially raised him till he couldn’t. Ash had snippets of memories that floated back but that one that had indented itself into Ash’s conscious was the memory of Griffin’s body that refused to move, his hand beginning cool. He had looked up at Ash and smiled, lifted his hand to his head. Had said something that Ash could never remember. All he could remember was his screams, his begging. He wished that he had stayed silent, had heard his last words. He closed his eyes.

Max didn’t mention the soft shakes of Ash’s body, just continued to softly pat him. Ash felt like he was seven. But instead of the police telling him it was his fault and his dad telling him to make the man pay up next time, it was Max, just listening to him.

///

As they pulled into the driveway, Max cleared his throat before turning to Ash. Ash raised an eyebrow, noting how Max was pulling at his collar.

“Just so you know, I did tell Jessica that you weren’t planning on staying but you know how she is, headstrong and all,” Max rolled eyes, but his voice held an affectionate tone for his wife. He probably didn’t mind that there was someone else who would argue with Ash and possibly convince him to stay, either.

Ash pretended to gag in response, making Max lean over and smack his head.

“Ash!” Ash didn’t take one step out of the car before he heard his name being called. He stumbled back as he was greeted by a small boy, jumping up at him. Ash smiled, bending down, picking up the child. He ruffled the soft brown hair, eliciting a giggle that reached the little boy’s big blue eyes.

“Hey Michael, how are you kiddo?” he asked setting down the boy gently, as they walked inside the house. Ash paused at the front door to wipe his shoes before walking in.

Michael grinned up at him before launching into a story about what had happened at school in the past few weeks. As he dragged Ash up to his room, Ash saw Jessica wave to him, smiling softly. He also noticed that she was tapping her fingers, a sure sign he was about to get a lecture for something he didn’t even know he did. He groaned inwardly, before focusing on Michael’s chatter and asking silly questions.

Dinner was a loud affair, with lots of questions about what Ash had been up to and with Michael jumping in any chance he got to show Ash whatever he had learned at school. Ash got up to help clear the table but was waved away by Jessica.

“If you like to come over like a guest, then you have to act like one too,” she deftly picked up all the plates, rinsing them off. “Besides, I had today off so it’s no hassle.”

Ash didn’t mention how he noticed that Jessica had made all his favorite foods or how she’d steered the conversation into comfortable grounds, letting him talk. She’d never admit it even if he did bring it up, so he tucked it away in the corner of his mind, thanking her silently.

He moved to the living room where Michael sat cross-legged at the coffee table, brow furrowed in concentration, head over a sheet of paper. Ash strained his neck catching glimpses of numbers. Math. Growing up, Ash had hated math. His teachers never taught him the way numbers had power and could be written out like a song. The way Michael was glaring at his page, Ash figured schooling had stayed more or less the same since he'd left.

“Hey Michael, what are you up to?” Ash lowered himself, joining the boy on the ground.

“It’s my homework.” He looked away, pulling his paper into his body.

“Really? It looks pretty tough, way harder than what I learned in grade 3.”

Michael looked up, eyes shy, before releasing the grip he had on his paper. “Yea, our teacher doesn’t explain things well and it’s really hard because then I can’t do my homework.”

“Well, math wasn’t my best subject either you know.”

“Really? But daddy said you study math in college,” his eyes held disbelief, even some mistrust.

“Actuarial science and yea I study that  _now,_ but before I was terrible at math. Until I learned a few tricks,” Ash leaned forward, dropping his voice to a whisper. “Want me to show you?”

Michael nodded, and Ash felt himself catching the young boy’s excitement.

It was around 9, when Michael began to rub his eyes, yawning loudly. Ash exchanged a look with Max.

“Hey Michael, mind taking me upstairs to show me your animal collection again?” Ash held Michael’s hand, leading the boy to his room.

By the time they reached there, Ash was carrying the child, humming softly to him. He placed him down on his bed, turning off the lights before sitting down for a moment beside him. He looked peaceful. Ash sat there and prayed in that moment. He prayed that Michael would forever stay like this, happy and at ease. Prayed he would never go through what Ash had gone through. Then he made a selfish prayer. He prayed he would find peace soon.

As Ash descended the stairs, he heard Jessica’s and Max’s hushed voices die out completely. He raised an eyebrow. So he was the hot topic tonight, huh.

“Hey old man, if you and your wife are gonna gossip about me, mind doing it in front of me?” Ash leaned on the railing, glaring at Max who looked like he had been caught with his hand in a cookie jar.  

“Is Michael asleep?” Jessica sat ignoring his question, checking under her nails for some invisible speck of dirt. Ash directed his glare towards her, not moving from where she looked. She looked up coolly at him, waiting for a reply, after a beat of silence.

“Yea, he passed out as soon as I took him up.” Ash gave in, falling back onto the couch, throwing his feet up on the coffee table. “So what were you two talking about?”

“Max was telling me you had to talk to him about something important and I think I should hear it.”

Ash immediately sat up, the sudden motion causing Max to jump up in his seat and Jessica to raise one perfectly groomed eyebrow. “What, no! I mean, it doesn’t involve you.” Ash knew that if he told Jessica, she would ask him a million questions and then tell Ash to grow a pair and tell the boy he liked him. She was so much like Nadia in that sense, becoming a mother for him even when he pushed her away. 

“So it’s something you needed advice on and it’s something so urgent that you finally decided to visit but it’s not something that involves me,” Jessica’s voice was deadpan and unimpressed.

“Good job old lady, glad to see you aren’t going senile yet.”

“Just because of that comment, I’m staying,” she leaned back in the couch, pulling her legs up and making herself comfortable.

Ash shot a look at Max, who shrugged, as if he couldn’t do anything. Not that he could but still, it wouldn’t hurt for him to try.

“Fine, whatever.”

“So, Ash what was it you wanted to talk about?” Max finally spoke up, leaning forward, his eyes soft urging Ash to speak.

Ash took a deep breath.

 

When Ash finally stopped talking, he looked up. Jessica’s smirk had disappeared and had been replaced with a look of wonderment. Max, on the other hand, was shaking face hidden so Ash couldn’t see his laughter.

“Hey Jess, tell your husband to shut up,” he turned his face, hoping his blush wasn’t visible in the dim light.

“Alright, sorry Ash, it’s just you finally talk to us about a crush and it’s already more dramatic than most people’s love lives ever turn out to be.” The older man shook his head, a smile dancing on the corners of his mouth. “Well what do you want us to say?”

“Well what the fu- hell should I do?” he bit back the curse word that threatened to slip out. If there was one thing that would piss Jessica off for sure, it was swearing where Michael might overhear.

“What do you want to do? That’s the real question Ash,” he stopped for a moment, thinking about the question she had posed. What did he want to do?

“Well for starters, not look like an idiot in front of him.,” he drummed his fingers against his chin thoughtfully. “I guess I wanna get to know him. I mean if he’s happy with his asshole boyfriend then I really shouldn’t be the other man right?”

“It’s tough to say. If he does choose you over his boyfriend, then that doesn’t make you the other man. You know better than to help someone cheat on their partner so I doubt that’ll be an issue.” Max hummed, looking to Jessica to elaborate.

“Max is right. As long as you know he’s single then it’s ok for you to flirt all you like. It’s also fine if you guys just stay friends. Who knows Ash, you might find out you don’t like the guy once you actually start to talk to him. You might be worlds apart.”

Heaviness followed those words as Ash realized they might truer than Jessica thought. Eiji’s boyfriend had such clear eyes. Eyes that hadn’t seen what he had. Ash was stained with red, impure, dirty. They really were far too different. But…

“This is the first time I’ve felt this way. I don’t wanna think it’s a mistake. Even if we’re different I want to try to bridge the gap between us. Even if we just become friends.” He whispered the last word, almost like the prayer he had chanted in Michael’s room. Except this time, he knew it would take more than just praying to some God for it to come true.

Max sat down beside him, Jessica following suit. They reached out, each grabbing one of his hands. “And that’s your answer.”

Ash didn’t reply, just let them hug him and sit in silence. He had his answer. He just hoped it was the right one.

///

He was not looking forward today. Eiji had been the exact opposite of what he was expecting and now Ash was stuck with him for the next 4 months. God, what he would give to be with Eiji’s unnamed boyfriend instead. He would show him how he deserved to be treated and that he could do way better. And if he fell for Ash in the process then well, what could he say? He had been told he was quite charming, after all.

He got out of bed, after looking at Shorter’s texts, which were 10 texts that could really just be one. They were all about how much hotter his partner was in real life and how he had a shy kid beside him, who was kinda cute, but dear God was he mess right now. He rolled his eyes, sending a middle finger emoji. He was happy for Shorter but he was also pissed. It was if everyone had some shot at a relationship except him.

He knew he was going to be late and he couldn’t give a fuck. Let that asshole wait for him. He deserved it. Ash figured, though, if he was going to be late he might as well dress decently. He didn't forget what Eiji had said to him last time and he really didn't need him to be commenting on his shitty appearance on the first day.

He changed leisurely, his phone buzzing every five minutes, and headed out, stopping at the coffee shop by his apartment.

“Yo, Sing.” He waved over the freshman. He couldn’t believe there was once a time Sing had been shorter than him. Now he stood 6 feet tall, his hair short and slicked back, eyes that made girls and boys swoon for him. It helped that Sing was kind and soft hearted too.

“Hey Ash, what’s up? You’re late today, thought you were gonna skip,” he led Ash behind the counter, pointing to a stool.

“Yea, well I just had a late night. How about you?”

“I’m good. Have class in a bit though.” He poured out cream and added in flavoring, tossing it in the blender. “ But seriously, you’re never more than 15 minutes late, you might as well skip.”

At Sing’s words, Ash felt a twinge of guilt. Yea, Eiji had been an asshole to him, but leaving him alone on his first day? C’mon that was a dick move. He bit his lip. He couldn’t exactly go back in time and change the fact he was late but maybe…

“Hey Sing, mind making me two of those?”

He raised an eyebrow but nodded. “Sure.”

///

Ash ran as fast as he could with two drinks in his hand to class. Prying open the door with his foot, he slowed to a walk, looking around for Shorter.

Shorter had texted Ash that he would sit with his partner and buy him some time. Ash thanked god that Shorter was so obvious, after finding his bright hair after only a few seconds of searching the lecture theatre.

He walked down the stairs, careful not to make too much noise and slid into the empty seat.

“Hey.”

“Is that for me?”

“No, it’s for my buddy thing person. Speaking of, where is he?” Ash looked around, trying to find the boy with long hair.

“Eloquent aren't you? But the bathroom, he went with _my_ buddy thing person. Guess they’re friends from before or something.” Ash glared at Shorter, who just yawned. 

He quickly updated Ash on what he had missed which wasn’t much. There had been a few ice breakers and now they were supposed to be making a study schedule with their partners.

“But you know, your partner seemed pretty upset that you were so late. It was a smart idea of you to bring something.” Ash winced again, the guilt hitting him. He opened his mouth to say something when Shorter looked up. “Oh look there they are.”

Walking to where they sat was Eiji and Eiji’s boyfriend. His head began to spin. Were Shorter and him crushing on the same guy? It had to be impossible. Shorter liked the dramatic type and Ash, well he didn't have a type really.

“Oh, so kind of you to finally come.” Eiji looked at him, shuffling past him to sit down.

“C’mon Yue, he was late cause he had a late shift at work.” Ash blinked at Shorter’s words. He called Eiji, Yue. Yue. He turned over to who he thought was Eiji’s boyfriend, feeling the pieces click into place.

“Hello again! I am glad to see you are okay! I was thinking you were not wanting to come because of yesterday,” he laughed nervously, scratching behind his head. “But I’m glad I can introduce myself finally.” He looked up, smiling that soft smile, extending out his hand.

“My name is Eiji.”

Ash was a dumbass.


	2. The Devil Wears Prada But Shops At Target

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reupload! this has corrections made and lotttts of more things added. I really enjoyed writing this. I was going to add in 1 more scene before changing chapters but decided it would be best to leave it for next time!

Ash stared at Eiji, not quite believing he heard him right. He blinked, the cold drink in his hands unbelievably hot all of a sudden. _Say something, anything you idiot,_ he could feel himself attempting to think, to speak. Eiji looked at him strangely, tilting his head just slightly, staring up at him. Fuck, he didn’t want to make him feel out of place again.

He said the first thing he could think of.

“You look thirsty here.” He shoved the drink into Eiji’s hands, the motion catching him off guard, causing some of the drink to slosh over. Shit, shit, shit, sh-

“Ah, thank you Ash. It was kind of you to bring me this, though I would prefer to have my mouth drink it not my hands,” he teased, lifting up his hand to lick the drops of coffee and Ash never knew something so innocent could be hot.

He noticed Shorter staring at him from the corner of his eye, bringing him back to reality. He was Ash Lynx, the guy who could get almost anyone on campus to fall for him. Why the hell was he getting so worked up over some random guy?

He took a deep breath. He just had to be normal. “Sorry about that Eiji. I slept in and was running late. I figured if I was gonna be late I might as well grab some coffee right?” He smiled, sitting back down, gesturing to the seat beside him. “So how was your morning?”

“It was very nice. I took many pictures of the sunrise here. It’s very nice since the buildings add a wonderful setting.”

“That’s good to hear. I did see your photography page. You’re pretty talented.”

“He’s more than _just_ talented. He shot for Vogue Japan, you know,” Yue leaned in, interrupting their conversation. But Ash didn’t notice. _Fucking hell._ He took in a sharp breath. Eiji really was something else, huh.

“No, it was not like that! I just entered a contest and I won. If I had been competing with professionals I don’t think I would’ve even been considered.” He smiled sheepishly, though Ash didn’t miss the glare he shot at his friend. So he wasn’t all sugar and nice. 

“Still that’s pretty cool. I mean I bet you know some pretty good selfie tricks then, huh.” At the word ‘selfie’, Shorter turned to join the conversation.

“Wait, wait, wait. Eiji, bro, do you actually know how to take good selfies? Because I could definitely use some tips,” he tilted down his sunglasses, revealing big puppy dog eyes. Ash and Yue rolled their eyes, leaning back in their chairs, glaring at each other when they realized they were in sync.

“I do actually. It is the first thing I learned, well, sort of.” Eiji opened up his phone camera, pointing out different things to Shorter, who nodded along, his own camera out. Ash was half listening, more focused on the sound of Eiji’s and Shorter’s voices mixing than what they were actually saying. He nodded every so often when he felt their eyes on him. It was no wonder, he jumped up in surprise when Eiji leaned in, pushing their shoulders together, phone held out in front of them.

“Wait, _what_ are you doing?” Not that Ash minded him leaning on him but pictures? That was not something he signed up for.

“Taking a selfie to show Shorter.” Eiji answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“That’s cool and all, but why am I in it?”

“I just asked you, if you would not mind taking one with me and you nodded.” Well shit. It looked like he _did_ sign up for this. Eiji furrowed his brow, wondering what happened now. So much for acting normal. 

“Hey it’s okay, if you’re not cool with it, right Eiji?” Shorter stepped in, looking somewhat nervous now. He knew how Ash got around cameras and pictures. Particularly non-consensual ones.

“Of course it’s ok. I do not mind at all. But I do wish that my partner would at least listen to me when I ask them something,” he smiled, though this time, it was not as sweet. Instead annoyance laced the edges and Ash knew he fucked up.

What could he say? He wasn’t listening because he was tired? He wasn’t listening because he was busy thinking about other things? He _was_ listening, just not entirely? They all sounded like pathetic excuses and he knew they were. Eiji had every right to be pissed. Especially with how this morning was going.

He felt his heart drop as Eiji moved to the edge of his seat, as far as he could from Ash, before taking a quick solo selfie. He turned back to Shorter explaining more things to him, though his voice had lost its vibrancy. Instead he seemed to be forcing himself to speak, words short and clipped. He saw Shorter nod along awkwardly, putting his own phone away. He looked over to Ash and mouthed a single word; _yikes._

Yikes didn’t even come close to describing the stifled air that settled in the group. Ash flipped open a random notebook, wondering if he could ever recover from this. _Probably not,_ he thought risking a glance at Eiji. He sat, as far as he could from Ash, swiping through his phone. His eyes never left the screen, fingers moving deftly though practiced movements. For once in his life Shorter was quiet, eyes darting between Ash and Eiji, foot bouncing up and down. Only Yue seemed not to care about the awkward atmosphere.

“So Shorter, how did that selfie turn out?” He leaned into Shorter, his braid moving with him, looking like a snake, if Ash was being honest.

“Pretty great. Not that I expect anything less from a photographer.” Shorter pulled up the photo, trying to keep the conversation flowing.

“It is not my doing. When someone is beautiful and understands how to show it, the picture will immediately look wonderful.” Eiji smiled politely at Shorter who stared back at him, cheeks coloring softly.

“Never knew you had a thing for pineapple heads, Eiji,” Yue snickered, leaning on the insanely small table, managing to look graceful.

“I- I don’t unders- Oh! Wait, umm, I did not mean it like that. I mean you are beautiful but I was not flirting,” now Eiji’s face was deepening to a red, hands waving around ridiculously.

The whole scene should have made Ash roll his eyes, thinking about how stupid everyone was. Instead all he could do was smile softly as he watched everything unfold, the mood returning back to normal. He figured it would be better if he didn’t try to join in, lest he made things awkward again. He would just watch and maybe smile at Eiji once in awhile.

In that moment Eiji turned to look at him, smile tight and eyes wary. “Well Ash, we should maybe talk about our schedule, if that is alright with you of course.”

“Yea, of course. Wanna sit over there so we have some more space?” Ash pointed a finger to the corner of the lecture hall, where a lone table stood.

Eiji nodded and they stood up, awkwardly moving around each other.

 

“So class is every Tuesday and Thursday, so does Monday work for you?” All Ash got was a nod in response. “Well, how about Wednesday?” Another nod. “Friday?” A nod. Ash narrowed his eyes. Was he really doing what he thought he was doing?

“Tuesday, 3;30’s?” A blink, then just as quickly a nod. Ash sighed inwardly. Ok, so he maybe did partly deserve Eiji’s uncooperativeness but while they were doing something important? That was such a childish thing to do. Ash ignored that fact that he didn't mind it at all. 

“Eiji, seriously listen, this is important.”

“Oh, I am sorry. I was not paying attention. I didn’t realize listening to _you_ was important.” He smiled that same tight-lipped smile, placing his neatly folded hands in front of him. Ash took a second to look at his hands. Long fingers complimented a wide palm, the skin looking soft. They were quite pretty hands.

Shaking his head, he sighed, turning back to the matter at hand. God, how was he supposed to fix this? Jessica would tell him to apologize and tell him it was honest mistake. Shorter would tell him compliments were the way to go. And Max would laugh, telling him he was fucked. Well, if he was fucked anyways he might as well beat him at his own game.

“Sorry, I’ll repeat myself, since I _do_ understand that sometimes people have a lot on their minds and won’t always respond.” Ash smiled back, lacing his smile with saccharine sweetness. Eiji’s glare bolstered him. Maybe pissing off his crush wasn’t the best way to get a date but Ash couldn’t help it. Not when Eiji was so easy to tease.

“How so kind of you to repeat yourself. I had heard Americans were very rude. I guess it is only when they need something they become nice.” Damn, he was good.

Ash held his eyes for a moment, staring into the endless night sky that existed in them and felt his breath catch. He didn’t know if Eiji was seriously upset or if he was just playing around at this point. He didn’t know if everything was okay at this point or not. He didn’t know if he wanted to know the answer to any of those questions.

All he knew was that he wanted to make things right. Wanted to be his friend. He didn’t dare hope for more, he didn’t deserve too.

As he stared, thinking all these thoughts, a smile flashed on Eiji’s face. He blinked. God, was he so stressed over this that he was hallucinating now? But there it was. That damned smile.

“We should maybe make our schedule now, with seriousness, yes?” he didn’t break his gaze from Ash’s eyes, kept looking. He wondered if the green unnerved him.

“Yea, we probably should.” Ash looked away first. _Coward._ “So, what days work for you?” he pretended to be looking in his bag for some paper, eyes avoiding Eiji. Were they ok now? Was it _that_ easy? Fuck, he didn’t know what to do here.

“I have no preference. I do work but it is mostly self set hours, so it is really up to you.” Eiji tapped his fingers against his chin, looking at Ash with curiosity.

“Well I usually work mornings, so I’m fine with any day as well. How good are you in marketing finance?”

Eiji laughed a little nervously now, eyes peeling away to look at some unknown spot on the wall. “W-well, I am not very good. It is not my best class.”

“Really? Then why are you taking it? Most degrees here don’t have it as a requirement.”

“Well I am doing a dual degree. One in photography and visual arts and the other in business. I need to do one higher level seminar class and my friend Yue was doing this as well and so I thought I might as well.” He laughed again, his hand going to the back of his neck.

_Odd,_ Ash thought. Lots of kids did dual degrees but usually there was some overlap. Photography and business made sense, at least a minor, but finance? That was a combination he hadn’t seen. _Mind your own business,_ he reminded himself. It wasn’t a bad thing that Eiji wasn’t good at finance. In fact, it meant Ash had more time to go over the material himself to help him. And maybe an excuse to spend more time with him.

“Oh cool, that’s gotta be hard though,” Eiji shrugged. “Well, in that case, do you wanna meet up more often? We could meet up every other day depending on how much you need.”

“Ah, well I do not want to bother you. Once a week is okay with me.”

“Yea well the thing is, if you don’t pass this class, neither do I,” Eiji’s head whipped up, eyes looking at him surprised. “I’m technically not in this class but I really needed it and I was allowed to take it on the condition I helped a transfer kid pass, so I really don’t mind. I mean my ass is on the line too,” he laughed, hoping he didn’t sound too desperate. Nothing hotter than someone pushing their help on you when you didn’t want it.

“Oh, I did not realize that you as well had a reason,” he chewed his lip, before nodding slightly. “Well if both of us are fucked, then we should both do our best, together?” he smiled softly at Ash. Ash never knew that ‘fuck’ could sound so beautiful till today.

“Hell yea,” he put out his fist for a fist bump and Eiji complied, holding his knuckles against Ash’s for a second longer.

“Gambatte,” he whispered gently. “Let’s work hard.”

 

///

For the first time in years, Aslan Callenreese got up early. He looked outside, the sky still pink from the sun’s slow ascent before pulling out his phone and glancing at the time. He still had 1 hour before his shift but he was wide-awake. If it were any other day, he would’ve turned over, shoving his head under the covers coaxing sleep to come back to him. Today wasn’t any other day though. Eiji and him were having their first ever study da- _session_ , he corrected himself. 

He was turning into a lovesick teenager, getting excited over meeting someone to _study._ It wasn’t even a proper date where Ash would swoop in and woo the shit out of Eiji. No, this was just to study so they both wouldn’t fail this class. 

But still, a small part of him wanted to believe this could be something so much bigger. This could be the first step to something. He snorted, covering his eyes with his arm. Yea right. What was so good about him? He was fucked up, paranoid and awkward. Hell, he didn’t even know how to kiss someone with breaking down. All he had was his pretty face and he hated even that. Yea, all he was a broken package of fucked up and daddy issues.

Eiji though, he was kind, didn’t take anyone’s shit and so pure. He was good at reading the situation and getting what he wanted. And if that was all unintentional then Ash didn’t know what Eiji was really capable of. Yue Lung even seemed to love him and Ash wasn’t sure if that was a testament to Eiji’s charm or Yue Lung’s standards. All he knew was that Yue seemed to hate him, tolerate Shorter and love Eiji. 

Eiji had even managed to get Ash’s number, though if he were being honest, he would’ve given it anyways.

 

“May I get your number?” Ash looked up, thrown off by the question. Here he thought Eiji would rather give a monkey a rim job than spend more time with him. He felt his hopes, rising. “That way we can coordinate better.” Oh. Of course.

“Yea of course,” he recited the number out to him, noting how Eiji stuck out his lips slightly, eyebrows low in concentration. _Cute._  

“I will text you, so you’ll get my number.” He waved to Ash, before leaving.

Ash did _not_ wait the rest of the day for a single stupid text. He did not check his phone every 10 minutes, flipping the silent switch on and off making sure his phone was working fine.

“Chill dude, you look desperate as fuck.” Shorter looked at him, eyes full of judgment.

“Shut up. I am NOT desperate. I just wanna make sure my phone is ok. This is pretty important. How else are we supposed to figure out when to meet up if I don’t have his number?” Ash fought the itch to check his notifications again. Shorter didn’t know what he was talking about. It was just for class, nothing more.

“Sure and I’m not a slut.” Shorter just shrugged, going back to swiping through tinder.

“Why don’t you ever just have a serious relationship bro?” Ash knew Shorter’s issues with monogamy were a touchy topic. But c’mon, he was his best friend. He wanted to be there for him, like he was for him.

“Eh, it’s not like I don’t wanna have one. I just haven’t found anyone I wanna be with like that. Dating is fun and I’m fine with the way things are right now.” 

Ash stayed quiet, wondering if Shorter would ever talk about how he just couldn’t be in a relationship. Not with everything he had to deal with. Helping Nadia at their restaurant, maintaining his scholarship, working part-time at that law firm and taking care of the neighborhood kids who had no one else. Adding a relationship into that mix wouldn’t work. He knew Shorter had tried but every time his partner had asked if he had to spend so much with those kids. That was the one thing Shorter would never give up. 

“Is it because your last date said you should give up on the kids?” 

Shorter stayed quiet for a minute, swallowing the rest of his drink. “Yea. You know how I feel about those kids. I don’t want them to end up in juvie like I did. Their parents don’t give a single shit if they live or die, so I gotta let them know I won’t leave them alone. They deserve better. If someone can’t understand then I’m fine being alone.” Shorter, looked as if he would cry or punch someone in the throat right about now.

“Yea.” Ash didn't know what else to say. Anything else would sound hollow, attempting to fill a void that couldn't be closed over with just pretty words. He awkwardly patted his friend on the back, looking at some blank space on the wall. The silence was comforting. 

“You haven’t checked your phone in the past 10 minutes, how do you know your boyfriend hasn’t texted you,” Shorter teased him, flashing a smirk at him. Ash shoved him, unlocking his phone away from Shorter's prying eyes.

His breath caught. “Shorter?”

“Yea?”

“Eiji uses fucking emoticons.” He dropped his head into hands. Shorter leaned over, grabbing the phone from his hands.

_Hello Ash! (*_ _＾▽＾_ _)_ _／_ _This is Eiji Okumura. I apologize for taking so long to text you. How are you doing? (_ _☆_ _^_ _ー_ _^_ _☆_ _)_

“Every time I text you ‘uwu’, you tell me to shut the fuck up.”

“That’s because you’re ugly Shorter.”

“I’m gonna call the cops for this abuse.”

Ash shoved him, grabbing his phone back.

“What do I say?”

“After hurting me, you just come back to use me?”

“C’mon dude, this is serious.”

“Only if you give me your kit-kat.”

“Deal.”

“Damn, you’re really desperate,” Shorter let out a low whistle, grabbing the chocolate from Ash’s hand before he could change his mind and tell him to help him free of charge. “Anyways, he asked you a question so that’s a good sign. Just be like ‘doing terrible since I haven’t seen your face in s- Ow! Ok, ok. Just be like you’re good, just getting ready for work. And ask him back. Jesus,” Shorter rubbed the spot where Ash punched him, complaining, under his breath about how ungrateful his friend was.

Ash ignored Shorter, typing quickly before pausing for a moment. “Will it seem desperate if I reply right away?”

“Eh.”

Fuck it. He pressed send and held his breath. A minute passed, then two. “Shorter, shit he hasn’t replied what do I do? He probably thinks I’m creepy as h-“ his phone buzzed cutting off his sentence.

_Oh work! I just came back from work myself. It was a long day so I am very excited to just go sleep. (_ _๑_ _>_ _◡_ _<_ _๑_ _) Do you enjoy work?_

“Tell him to dream of you.” Ash threw a pillow at Shorter’s face. He smiled at the text, typing out a reply quickly. He took a deep breath. He could do this.

 

They texted each other throughout the week and Ash didn’t think life could get any better. He woke up most mornings with a text from Eiji, sometimes even with a picture attached. The conversation seemed to ebb and flow so naturally, as if they hadn’t had such a rough start. Eiji would always text Ash good morning and good night, and though it had only been one week, Ash couldn’t remember what it felt not having someone tell him good morning and night. 

Him and Shorter would text each other all the time but there was no expectation or anticipation to his texts. Ash didn’t want to have expectations for Eiji, but he couldn’t help but worry when the usual morning text was late.

Today’s text was late for Eiji’s timing but early enough for Ash.

_Hello and good morning!_ _ヽ_ _(_ _･∀･_ _)_ _ﾉ_ _I’m looking forward to seeing you today! Mind texting me the address again? And is there a place where I can plug in my charger or should I bring my portable one? Hope you have a good day! (*_ _＾_ _v_ _＾_ _*)_

Ash felt himself melting. That last sentence was new. Even if he had to deal with the old ladies who loved to coo at him today, nothing could ruin Eiji’s kind wish. He smiled, screenshotting the message to send to Shorter for a word-by-word analysis. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but fuck it was getting hard not to. He texted Eiji back quickly after sending Shorter the screenshot, along with a text telling him to wake up and text him back.

_Hey, morning_ _J_ _im pretty excited to see you too. Ill send u a link to the location on google maps. Its on campus tho, by the old science faculty. It has outlets dw._

He pressed send, pausing, before typing out another text.

_I hope you have a good day too._

They had decided to meet after Ash’s shift at the coffee shop where Sing conveniently worked afternoons. Ash had already told Sing that he was coming and for some reason that he didn’t want to think about, Sing had a big shit eating grin after he found out. He figured Shorter had gone and told his cousin about Ash’s crush. He wasn’t ecstatic about Sing knowing but Ash knew the kid would keep his mouth shut and plus, he’s help him out today.

“Don’t sweat it, I’ll give you amazing service. Hell, I’ll throw in an extra cake for you.” Sing had smiled at Ash and for a second, he looked like he was the older one. Then Ash blinked, and all he saw was the same kid he had grown up with.

“Don’t worry, I’ll pay you, I just wanted to let you know so we could maybe grab the quiet corner. We do have to study and all.” Ash hated owing anyone anything. It made his skin crawl and reminded him of entitled men who thought a favor gave them permission to his body.

“Nah, it’s all good. I mean, it’s partly cause of you we haven’t gone under. Plus, think of it as an early birthday gift. Or a late one, whatever.”

“As long as you give me the vanilla strawberry cake, I’ll take you up on your offer.” He took a deep breath, hoping Sing didn’t notice. A gift he could deal with. And it was Sing. _It’s gonna be okay,_ he mentally reminded himself, easing out his breath, relaxing his shoulders.

Sing smiled. “Deal.”  


He turned on his side, closing his eyes, urging his mind to slow down and sleep for a few more minutes. Nothing. Sighing, he got up. He might as well get in a good walk if he couldn’t sleep. _Apparently_ , he wasn’t exercising enough, although he thought that was a good thing considering the fact his workouts tended to be stupid street fights he would get in to. But his doctor thought otherwise. He swung his feet from the bed, toes touching the floor. Letting his feet adjust to the cool service of the floor, Ash looked around his room. It didn’t seem so hauntingly empty today.

He picked up his work uniform, which he had coincidentally washed and ironed last night. Not that he expected Eiji to show up again but hey, who knew what could happen, better to be prepared.

He stretched, picking out some clothes that he could change into after his shift. For the first time in ages, he wanted to look nice. He wanted to be complimented. He wanted _attention_. He ignored the implications of that last thought. He never knew if Eiji would be like the rest but something told him, he would respect Ash, maybe even care for him. Though he had nothing but a week’s worth of texts to base that off of.

He checked his watch before leaving his apartment. He sighed, noting that there was still 8 hours before 3. Today was going to be a long day.

 

His shift was quiet and he expected it to go smoothly, maybe even ending a bit early. As he turned to go in back and ask his manager if it was ok for him to go, he heard a soft cough. He turned around slowly, his eyes hardening at whoever was making him late for being early with his date with Eiji.

“I’m having a bit of trouble finding the jewelry section.” Yue smiled and Ash knew he knew about their plans for today. Of course he did. Eiji and him were best fucking buds. Ash mentally slapped himself for forgetting that key fact.

He groaned inwardly but smiled and showed Yue the way. He just couldn’t figure why the fucking snake had a problem with him. He didn’t do anything apart from being late the first class. The guy just always looked at him with one eyebrow arched up in question, in disgust or both. He’d always hang around Eiji during class, never letting him and Ash have any time to speak alone. Eiji didn’t seem to mind a snake constantly hanging around him, leaning on him and touching him every moment he got. In fact, Eiji seemed completely at ease and maybe, just _maybe,_ Ash was a little jealous at the pouts and smiles he threw at Yue but he also knew that Yue just didn’t want them to get close.

“Here we are, sir,” Ash gestured to the stands of tacky jewelry that he knew Yue would never wear in a million years. He turned on his heel, hoping to leave without making a scene. Of course, that would’ve been too easy.

“Aren’t you supposed to ask me if I need anything else? Tsk, tsk, Americans really have such terrible manners. I should let Eiji know…” Yue trailed off, his posture relaxed as he looked at a pair of fake pearl earrings.

Ash froze. Fuck, he knew he was doing exactly what that bastard wanted. Turning around, he plastered a bright, almost painful smile on his face. “Do you need anything else, your highness?” 

That asshole looked up and smiled, acting as if he hadn’t heard the sharp tone in Ash’s voice. “Why, thank you for asking. I do actually.” He beckoned for Ash to follow him. “I heard you’re grabbing lunch with Eiji today,” _called it,_ Ash thought, “and I had to ask,” Yue paused, attention captured by some studs that looked like they belonged on Ash or Shorter, not him, before continuing. “What are you playing at.”

Ash stopped. “What?” he knew the kid was crazy, but did he think he had some sort of agenda? “What do you mean, what I’m playing at?”

Yue had picked up the earrings he had been admiring early tossing them in a bright red basket. For a moment, he looked so small and almost cuddly, standing there with his big sweater, basket against his hip. Then he turned to glare at Ash and the spell was broken.

“I know about your reputation. I heard you were part of some sex trafficking circle. There’s rumors that now you help pick out new meat for the old men to have. The more exotic, the better, right?” he spit out the last sentence, looking at Ash as if he were scum.

He felt numb. The ground beneath his feet was unnaturally steady. Shouldn’t it be shaking? His whole world was crumbling after all. Yet, all he could think about was Eiji. Did Eiji know? Did he know how tainted Ash was? How Ash was a hand me down? How Ash knew how to suck someone off by the time he was 8? How, despite everything, Ash still wanted to feel someone’s warmth in him? _Shit._ No, that wasn’t important right now. He took a breath in. First, he had to talk to Yue and sort this mess out.

“Who told you that?” he was surprised to hear his voice sounded calmer than he felt. It still was higher than normal, but it didn’t crack.

“Arthur.” 

Ash sucked in his breath. That explained a lot. “He lied.”

Yue raised up an eyebrow, unconvinced.

“I mean, he was lying about part of it. Like yea, I was part o-of a ring but I got out and I have no connection to them. I get monthly visits from the cops, don’t you think they would’ve found out by now? And I- I would never want anyone to go through that.” Ash looked at the floor, his eyes feeling hot. Fuck. His chest began to constrict and he could feel the familiar panic kicking in.

Fuck. Fuck, not here. Not now. Not in front of _him._ He balled his hands at his side, digging his nails into his skin, biting his lip, curling his toes tightly. Anything. Anything to bring him back.

“Hey, breath slowly ok? Inhale and exhale. Good, ok, you’re ok. Let go of your hands. Wait, here,” there was shuffling and Ash felt something cool press into his hand. He took measured breaths and felt himself being pulled back down. He waited a few minutes and when he felt like he wouldn’t dissolve, he looked up.

Yue was standing there, water bottle held out to him, eyes strangely soft. Ash took the bottle, raising it up in thanks. He broke the silence. “Sorry about that. I shouldn’t have asked about something so triggering at your workplace.” Ash blinked, registering the words slowly. “I just didn’t believe what Arthur said. I even asked Shorter and he didn’t say anything so I thought Arthur was lying. Except that he was lying because you were an asshole.” Ash nodded, not knowing what else to do. “And I just wanted to protect Eiji. I’m sorry.”

“It’s, well it isn’t fine but I get why you did what you did,” what else could he say? He was just trying to protect his friend. Maybe he had been a little intense but he helped Ash avoid a full-blown panic attack. He didn’t have to but he did. “I just wanna know something though. Does Eiji know about all of this?”

Yue paused for a moment, looking at Ash, before making a deciding to answer. “No.” Ash sighed. “But even if he did, he wouldn’t care. I told him about my past and he’s never judged. It’s none of my business but if you want to date him seriously, you should let him know about this.” He leaned against the counter, hands crossed over his chest and Ash had to admit he had a point. Dammit.

“Who said I even I liked him?”

“Please. You look at him as if he’s some sort of star or something. It’s disgusting.” Yue stood up, picking up the basket he had left on the ground. “Well, I’ll rip your dick off if you do end up fucking up and hurting Eiji.”

As he turned to leave, Ash remembered the cool metal pressing into his hand. What was it anyways? He opened his hand, surprised to see a familiar small keychain, engraved with Chinese characters. It was something Shorter had recently bought. Oh. “Yue, here. Thanks.” Ash ignored the implications of Shorter buying a sentimental gift for a guy he only knew for 2 weeks. He’d get the details later when he didn’t feel like gagging at that thought.

“No worries. Well, have fun on your date I guess. Make sure Eiji eats something.”

Ash lifted his hand up in goodbye, turning to go in the back of the store. He smiled as he headed back. He didn’t like snakes much but garden snakes weren’t too bad.

Ash straightened out his shirt, turning to check his reflection in the dirty mirror once more. The light in the old change room was a sickly green color, making everything look dingy and old, making Ash worry if his clothes were ok. He knew the blue jeans and white cashmere sweater he had on looked great. After all, they were from a photo shoot Jessica had a while back, but the light distorted everything and instead of looking of chic, he looked out of place. Fake.

He shook his head. If he kept on thinking and adjusting his clothes, he’d make Eiji wait alone again. Plus he wanted to be early to grab the best seats and to order before he even came. It wouldn’t hurt him to try every once in a while. Most of the time, if he went out with someone he was interested in, he would arrive right on the dot and split the bill. With Eiji though, he wanted to make him feel comfortable and take care of him.

 It probably was because of how young he looked. Those doe eyes that were full of innocence and kindness tugged at a part in his heart that wanted to keep them pure forever. He just wanted Eiji to be happy. _Being late for your first study session is probably gonna do the opposite though_ , he reminded himself. He took one last look in the mirror. The boy staring back looked out of place yes, but he looked strangely happy. That was all that mattered really.

 

///

 

“Hey, Sing, what’s up?”

“Oh, hey Ash. Table for two today right?” Sing waved a hand at Ash, signaling him to sit at the corner table, his usual spot.

Ash loved that spot. It was a tucked away corner, surrounded by windows. The café overlooked the busy street, the trees giving enough privacy that no one could look in and see you sitting there. The table was long and was behind some booths, sectioning off anyone who sat there from the rest of the café. He felt at ease there, almost as calm as he felt in a library. 

Ash set down his bag on the tabletop, pulling out his laptop and plugging it into his charger and connecting everything to the outlet. He had prepared some basic questions to go over and was pulling out all the notebooks he needed. Being an hour early had some perks. He could study while he waited for Eiji to come and not feel guilty about consuming an unhealthy amount of baked goods and caffeine.

“So what’ll you have?”

Ash almost jumped, Sing’s voice surprising him. “Jesus, dude. You know I don’t like it when someone comes up behind me.” He turned around glaring at the 6 foot tall kid. He was straining his neck just trying to meet his eyes.

“ _That’s_ the first time I’ve seen you almost jump up because of that. Usually you notice me.” Sing walked around, grabbing the chair in front of Ash and sitting down on it. Just like Shorter, he always sat on chairs backwards, choosing to lean on the back. He figured it was something in the Wong blood that made them unable to sit properly in chairs. That or the fact that they were both queer. Either way, it was weird how similar their habits were.

“So I’m guessing this date has you nervous huh?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” He switched the topic, pretty subtly if you asked Ash, focusing his attention on organizing his papers and pens. It was _not_ a date dammit. 

“I’m on a break.”

“Pretty convenient break isn’t it?” Ash looked back down at his notebook, making little notes in the margin about what they needed to cover today.

“At least try to change the subject subtly, geez.” Ash hated Sing. Sing dropped his head on his arms, tilting his head to look at Ash, forcing him to look up at him. “So you’re nervous?” 

“1. This is not a date. Let’s just get that out of the way. And two, I’m not nervous, I just don’t want him to have a bad time. I want him to have fun while he’s here. Man is it crime to be nice now?”

“That’s called being nervous Einstein.” Sing looked at him as if he was the world’s biggest idiot, rolling his eyes.

“Listen here, you little shit-“ Ash glared at Sing but before he could continue a bright voice cut through the café’s noise.

“Ash!” Eiji waved at him, smiling wide. His cheeks were flushed red from the cold air, his hair parted to the side, making him look older and his jaw line sharper. A soft blue scarf was wrapped around his neck, though it seemed to be more for fashion than for giving any real warmth. Ash made a note of sending Eiji a YouTube video on how to wear scarves later on.

Sing whistled lowly. “Well, isn’t he a snack.” He glanced at Ash. “Dude, you’re blushing.”

Ash _really_ hated the Wongs. “Shut up and leave.” 

Instead Sing waved over Eiji, smiling brightly. “Hi, you must be Eiji!” 

“Ah, yes! And you are?” Eiji shook Sing’s hand politely, not even pointing out that the kid was in his seat. He was such a gentleman.

“I’m Sing. I work here. Ash and me go way back. I’m also Shorter’s cousin, if you didn’t know.” He smiled at Eiji, and Ash saw the tension in Eiji’s shoulders melt. He would have to buy Sing a drink later. “Here take a seat.” Sing moved, turning the chair around so Eiji could sit down.

“Oh I see! I did not know Shorter had a cousin. Ash did not tell me that.”

“Well Ash usually doesn’t talk much about others,” Sing paused looking at Ash before smirking and continuing. “That’s why I was so surprised when he mentioned you. I mean you’re all he talks about. He was so nervous about making sure you enjoyed yourself and your date today that he asked me to specially make some strawberry cake. Apparently that’s big in Japan.” Sing shrugged, acting as if he didn’t just basically tell Eiji that Ash was a weirdo who probably liked him. 

Ash’s head whipped up, his eyes meeting Sing’s and he saw the boy was smirking at him. The little shit. If murder wasn’t illegal, he would’ve killed Sing at this point, strangling him with his stupid apron. 

“He was also asking me if I thought you would like the iced coffees he brought everyday and even made me remake an entire one just cause the whipped cream wasn’t pretty enough.” 

Scratch that. He didn’t care if murder was illegal, he was gonna kill Sing. God, he hoped his face wasn’t as red as he felt it was. Risking a glance up at Eiji, he saw that he wasn’t any better off. His cheeks were flaming red, even though they should have warmed up by now.

“I- ah, I see. I’m very glad that my partner is so considerate. He is very kind.” Eiji looked up, turning to face Ash, eyes meeting his. “I think he is very sweet.” Ash blinked, his mouth going dry.

He wasn’t dreaming right? Did Eiji just call him sweet _and_ considerate? He needed to thank Sing later. 

“Wow, never thought I’d here the words Ash and considerate in a sentence. But hey, it’s great if he isn’t being an ass to you. Anyways, I gotta go back, it was nice to meet you Eiji.” Sing coughed awkwardly, looking between Ash and Eiji, before leaving.

 

Ash was so happy at hearing Eiji’s words, that he forgot how awkward it was going to be after what Sing had just said. Eiji and him sat there for a few moments in silence, not quite looking at each other, not quite avoiding each other’s gaze.

He felt red and he found some comfort in knowing that Eiji wasn’t any better off. At least they were both embarrassed. Another moment passed and Ash wondered who would speak first. He thought of a million things he could say but they all sounded as if he was a weirdo in a bar, trying to recover after being rejected.

“Ah, so Ash, what are we going to do today?” Eiji looked up, and the surprise of hearing him talk first caused Ash to whip up his head, staring into those starless sky eyes.

“Well, I’m glad you asked. Basically I figured we could start off with some practice questions to sort of see where you’re at right now. Then we can see what you need to improve on and go from there. I made some questions and so you can do those and yea.” Ash was thankful for something to talk about. He was even more thankful that it was something work and _not_ related to what Sing had said. It was good to be in autopilot at times. 

Eiji nodded slowly, pulling out his own supplies. Ash didn’t even realize that he didn’t set up. Talking with Sing really did make him lose all his brain cells.

“I apologize in advance. I’m a little slow at this so if I take too long, I’m, well, sorry.” He grinned sheepishly at him.

“Don’t apologize for that. I mean that’s what we’re here for, to help you. Plus, I’ll study something else, while you’re working so don’t worry about it.” He smiled softly at Eiji, hoping his smile was as genuine as he felt.

“Well thank you for your patience,” Eiji smiled brightly at him, his face lighting up as if someone had placed the sun behind him and shit, Ash was going to die of cardiac arrest by the time this study session was over, wasn’t he? Then again, dying because of Eiji’s smile didn’t seem like such a bad way to go.

Eiji looked up at him and smiled once more, before starting the problems Ash had given him. Yea, he wouldn’t mind dying because of Eiji.

 

///

Eiji had already told him that he was shit in finance but Ash did not expect him to be _this_ bad. Was it even possible to have passed all the other classes and still not be able to solve basic questions?

“In my defense, I did already tell you that we were both fucked,” Eiji raised his hands up in innocence. Ash was hoping that the surprise on his face wasn’t too obvious as he looked back up at Eiji. 

“You just told me it wasn’t your best subject, _not_ that you didn’t know jack shit about it.” 

“The thing is I didn’t just barely pass. I got A’s in all the other classes.”

“Wait, what.” Eiji was lying. That was the only answer.

Instead he nodded, folding his hands in his lap. “Yes. But I got into an accident a few months ago and I had some brain trauma. After that, I forgot everything about finance. All I remembered was how to take pictures.” His voice dropped slightly and Ash felt like a dick.

“Shit for real? I’m so sorry. Umm, are you okay?”

Eiji stared down at his hands, not moving. Panic rose in Ash’s chest. “Hey, Eiji, I’m sorry for being such an asshole, you don’t have to tell me anything.” He leaned forward, reaching out to grab his hand, when Eiji’s shoulders began to shake.

“Ash, I am sorry, I was just joking around,” he saw Eiji was holding back laughter, his face red from the effort.

“What.”

“I cannot believe you believed that. You are smart, yes? Then you must know that when one forgets something due to an accident, they forget much more than one subject.”

“So you didn’t get A’s in finance?”

Eiji shook his head, finally recovering from his laughing fit. “I did get A’s officially.”

Ash cocked his head to the side, an eyebrow asking the question on his mind.

“I did not pass the classes but I had a friend who was very talented with computers. She hacked into the system and changed my grades somehow.” Eiji shrugged, “I just thought that that would be a boring story to tell.” He sipped his drink, grabbing the notebook Ash was looking over. He flipped through, wincing as he saw all the corrections Ash had made to his work.

“I think your definition of boring is kinda skewed. If _that’s_ boring, I can’t wait to hear your interesting stories.” Ash leaned forward, lowering his voice, forcing Eiji to lean in closer to hear him.

Eiji leaned forward as well, coming close enough that their foreheads were almost touching. “ And I cannot wait to tell them to you, Ash.” A soft smile that just hinted at mischief was painted on Eiji’s lips.

Fuck, he was good. The worst thing was that Eiji didn’t even seem notice how good he was at making Ash a complete mess. He acted as if he did this all the time to every boy he met. Ash leaned back, impressed with Eiji’s clumsy, natural charm.

“Well, I gotta ask, can I have your friends number?”

At that, Eiji began to laugh. A laugh that warmed up Ash’s stomach, climbing all the way to his chest. It was a loud and unrestrained laugh, as if Ash had said the funniest thing in the world.

“I will give my friend’s number _if_ you can actually teach me how to do this.”

“Deal.” Ash paused looking back down at the notebook filled with x’s and red pen. “But we’re gonna need more than 3 hours to even get started.”

“Well, I do have time today.”

“Any time tomorrow?”

Eiji shook his head, his mop of soft brown waves bouncing around reminded Ash of a small dog. “Ah, no. Tomorrow I have a shoot at 2 and that will take the entire day.”

“Hmmm, well, do you wanna study for longer today then?”

“Yes, that is fine with me!”

“So this shop closes at 7, so if you’re okay with it, we can head to my place afterwards? ” He looked up, hoping he wasn’t sounding too forceful. The last thing he wanted was to force Eiji into something he didn’t want to do.

“That is alright with me. But do you not have work tomorrow?”

“Nah, I told my boss I’m Christian and can’t work on Sundays.”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. I am sure the God you worship will not appreciate you lying.”

“I don’t worship a God who gets pressed over small shit like this.”

Eiji laughed again and Ash felt as if he could listen to that on repeat forever.

 

 

Ash was a pretty patient guy, all things considered. But he was also a perfectionist. Those two things combined made for a hellish tutoring session. He just wanted who ever he was helping to actually do well and until they could do all the problems right, he would keep repeating the same topic till they got it. 

Eiji was going over the basic formulas and definitions for the sixth time and Ash was getting tired. Something just wasn’t working. It wasn’t that Eiji couldn’t memorize things. He parroted the formulas and definitions, word for word, back to Ash. He just couldn’t explain them.

Ash ran a hand through his hair, eyes straining. He hadn’t brought his reading glasses. He didn’t realize he’d be reading so much. He also didn’t want to seem like a nerd in front of Eiji. Though, that was the least of his concerns now. What did he have to do to make Eiji understand this?

“Hey Eiji.”

Eiji’s head shot up startled by the sudden interruption. He cocked his head to the right and Ash noticed for the first time that his eyes were beginning to redden.

“I was wondering if you wanted to take a break? We’ve been going at this for a pretty long time and maybe taking a breather will help you.” He ignored the pang of guilt when he saw Eiji’s face flood with relief.

“Yes, I would not mind a break. Is it alright if we- I mean, if I take a walk.”

“That’s cool. I was actually thinking of walking around myself. Sitting for so long hurts my ass.”

“Oh yes. It makes your ass very sore!”

“Not as sore as some other things make it,” Ash winked and expected Eiji face to color the shade of a sunset.

Instead Eiji laughed.

“Well, I do not have experience in that, but I am sure you would be a great teacher.”

Ash felt hot, the sentence making his stomach pool with warmth. And Eiji, the little fucker, grinned. “Are you alright? You look very red.” He leaned in towards and Ash held his breath, expecting warmth to meet his lips. Instead Eiji, looked up at his eyes, hovering just centimeters away from his lips. Ash couldn’t help but focus on the chapped, pink lips in front of him. He wondered if they were soft or how Eiji would react if he b-

He cleared his throat, looking away from the lips in front of him. “I’m just feeling hot. Bet you’re familiar with that with how you look.” It was a lame counter but it did the job. Eiji looked away, ears dusted a light pink.

“I think we should go on our walk now.”

“I think so too.”

 

It was the most awkward walk Ash had ever taken. Ash didn’t know what to say after their little exchange in the shop and he didn’t want to talk about finance anymore. Eiji seemed to be struggling with that himself, if the way he kept on slowing down and blinking rapidly was any sign.

They had reached the center of the park. The fountain, that was usually surrounded by couples meeting up for dates, was isolated. Ash brushed the concrete, before sitting down. He closed his eyes. Even if it was awkward, it was still calming to be outside. The sharp air faintly smelled of the sea and smog. An odd combination but one that smelled like home to Ash.

“What is your full name?” Ash opened a single eye, looking at Eiji. He seemed to have been working up the courage to ask this question.

“I told you, didn’t I? It’s Ash Lynx.”

“I meant your real name. I have heard that it is very different.” For a second, his eyes were unwavering and then he looked away. “Of course, if you do not want to, that is fine.”

“Why?”

“Why?”

“Why does it matter? Why do you want to know? Why do you care?”

“It matters because it is your given name and I want to call you by that. Your parents gave it to you for a reason and I’d like to just honor that.” Eiji looked at the floor, but his voice remained clear.

“Japanese people really are weird huh.” His head snapped up, looking at Ash curiously. “It’s really not that big of a deal but if you wanna know…” Ash smiled, standing up. “It’ll cost you.”

Eiji pouted, glaring at the blonde. “Cost me? You Americans are thieves!” He paused, before sighing. “But what do you want me to pay?”

“All you have to do is take a picture with me.”

“But before you acted as if taking a picture with me was disgusting.” He narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his body.

“The thing is, I was just surprised. I’m really not good with unexpected pictures. I’m sorry, for not listening.”

Eiji blinked but nodded. “That is fine. Thank you for telling me that as well.”

Fuck. It was Ash’s turn to be thrown back. How did someone so understanding exist. _No,_ he shook his head. Everyone around was so willing to understand and listen. What surprised him, was how understanding Eiji was, despite only knowing him for a few weeks and hating him for the better part of the first bit. He wanted to cry.

Instead, he smiled. “Well, let’s do it.”

“Right now? But the lighting is terrible here!”

Ash shrugged. “We’ll forget if we put it off. And, I don’t know, won’t this remind of us of our first study dat- session?”

Eiji shrugged. He pulled out his phone, waving Ash over. Ash rested his head on Eiji’s shoulder, cheek brushing against his hair. Holy hell was it soft. He felt his face warm up slightly but he hoped it wouldn’t be noticeable in the cold. Eiji turned to Ash, grinning brightly.

“To remember our first date.” He pressed his lips against Ash’s icy cheek. Then he took the picture.

_Fuck._ His blush was definitely noticeable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!  
> i am on a twitter hiatus at the moment >.< just busy with work so cant be distracted T.T   
> but please message me on here or even comment! Id love to have a conversation!  
> as always id love to hear what you think whether good or bad!
> 
> i appreciate you all <3


	3. The Fucking Wongs

Eiji leaned back, swiping through filters, acting as if he didn’t just completely unravel Ash.

 

Ash could only just blink, his whole body cold, except for that one spot where Eiji’s lips had touched. That one small spot seemed to burn and refused to be ignored. It also seemed to be feeding him some hope that _maybe_ Eiji liked him a bit more than just friends, if they were even that.

He swallowed, looking up finally after a lengthy stretch of time passed.

 

“You kissed me.” He hoped Eiji didn’t notice the slight tremor in his voice or how his voice got higher when he said ‘kissed’. His knees felt weak as he realized, that shit, Eiji kissed _him._ A part of his brain, that seemed to have some semblance of common sense left noted exasperation how he was acting as if this was his first kiss. And it wasn’t even a real kiss to boot. He wanted that part of his mind to shut up and just let him have some hope that Eiji sorta, maybe liked him.

 

Eiji looked up from his phone, tilting his head, his brow furrowing in confusion. “Yes. Is that not how Americans show appreciation?” His features were the picture of curiosity. Except for the mirth that twinkled in his eyes, he looked as if Ash’s question made zero sense. “I am sorry. Was that not right? I just heard that Americans kiss each other thank you, but perhaps that was wrong,” biting his bottom lip, he glanced up at Ash. “Is it supposed to be a kiss on the lips instead?”

 

Ash looked away, not quite sure what to say. Was Eiji flirting or just playing around? And if he was just joking, why did his heart feel as if someone had placed a leaden weight on it? He wondered if this was how all those one night stands he promised more to felt. Shit. Maybe this was karma. He wondered if texting them all a sorry would turn his luck around. Then again, it would take way too long to do that.

 

He felt someone gently patting his shoulder and he realized he hadn’t said anything since Eiji’s innocent (was it really though, he wanted to ask) question. He turned around looking into his eyes were Eiji’s, filled with worry and regret. Before he could open his mouth, Eiji bent his head down in front of him.

 

“I am so sorry. I did not mean anything by that. I was just making a joke but I did not know it would hurt you. I promise I won’t say such things in the future.” He spoke so quickly, his accent coming out stronger that Ash almost didn’t catch what he had said.

 

Then he wished he didn’t. He wished the wind was louder so he didn’t have to hear that Eiji was obviously joking and Ash was a fucking dumbass for having thought otherwise. He wished that Eiji had stumbled on his words so Ash could jump in and change the course of the conversation so that maybe he didn’t have to have his heart broken. But mostly, he just wished he never liked Eiji.

 

Despite all the words that threatened to overflow, he smiled softly, if a little morosely, at Eiji. “Don’t worry about it. I know you were joking, it’s not a big deal, ok?” he held Eiji’s gaze before the other nodded limply, his eyes glassed over, lips pursed. He looked as if he was about to cry. Huh. Weird.

 

A few moments of awkward silence passed before Ash cleared his throat. “Well, ah, we should probably head back. One more hour here and then we can head to my place if you’re still down.” Another nod.

 

They walked back to the café the same way they had walked out; in silence. Except this time, the silence was full of unanswered questions and broken hearts. Ash couldn’t tell who was feeling what.

 

The door chimed happily, the café bustling with life and warmth. The smell of faint hazelnuts wafted over and Ash had a feeling Sing had prepped for a caramel hazelnut latte just for them. What a comfortable place. It almost made Ash laugh, how at odds the entire café was with the air between him and Eiji.

 

Eiji had kept his eyes on the ground the whole walk, yet he never bumped into Ash. Had it been any other day, Ash would’ve commented on how Japanese people must all be like ninjas seeing how Eiji was able to do that. Instead he just walked, wondering where he had gone wrong.

 

 

“Yo, Ash. Nadia jiejie told me to give you guys these drinks when you come back. Apparently it’s supposed to warm you up or something.” Sing waved a hand at the pair, eying the gap that had formed between the two. He raised an eyebrow in question, but remained quiet.

 

“Hey, I’ll go grab those drinks, you can go sit if you want.” He turned, unsure if he should meet Eiji’s eyes. Defiant brown eyes stared back at him. The hopelessness that had been pooled in them before had disappeared. He looked renewed, as if realizing what he needed to do again.

 

It was pretty hot, if Ash was being honest.

 

“I can help you. You have your bag, so it might be hard for you to carry them both over.” Eiji smiled at him, the gesture not quite reaching his eyes but still, it was something. Ash didn’t bother pointing out how his bag was on his back not in his hands. Hey, if Eiji wanted to carry hot drinks, who was he to stop him from living his life?

 

He shrugged, walking to the till where Sing stood, hands in his pockets, a tray with two cups full of sweet coffee in front of him. He looked away, ears tingeing red, a sure sign he felt guilty of doing something he shouldn’t have been.

 

It reminded Ash of how when they were kids, Sing’s ears were always red and Ash just thought he had some weird infection. It wasn’t till Shorter told him that it only happened when Sing felt guilty did Ash notice a pattern.

 

///

 

“Wait, you’re kidding. That’s bullshit!” Ash leaned forward on Shorter’s chair, looking at him with undisguised suspicion.

 

“Dude, I swear I’m not playing. Look, how about you do something like leave out a Twix and then ask him if he ate it? His ears will turn so red. It’s actually so funny. Nadia and auntie always catch him cause of that,” Shorter paused, crinkling his eyes to reread a certain problem, pausing to solve it before continuing. “Also he always ‘fesses up after we call him out.”

 

“Nah, dude. You’re just joking.” Ash shook his head in disbelief. It seemed impossible that someone could be so honest and open that even their very body rejected the idea of lying. He shook his head again, before glancing over to Shorter’s paper that was littered with crossed out numbers and thin cursive. “By the way, 13 is all wrong.”

 

Shorter glared at him, before scratching out the whole problem.

 

Yea, proving Shorter wrong was a pretty fun thing to do and it was worth losing a Twix over. After all, some sacrificed had to be. Plus, if he was right, which he would be, he could use Sing to fuck around even more with Shorter. Yea, it was worth a stupid Twix,

Except it wasn’t.

 

Ash decided to place the trap on Shorter’s small, cramped dining table, where Nadia would round up all the kids and sit them down to help them with their homework. Sing, being a kiss ass, would show up early and finish early, before trying to help the younger kids and inevitably start a fight.

 

By the time Ash and Shorter came back home, shirts stuck to their bodies with sweat and water, sleepy smiles adorning their lips, he had almost forgotten about the entire plan. Until he felt cool plastic under his foot, the sharp edge of the wrapper almost giving him a paper, er plastic cut on his toe. He blinked the sleep out of his, turning to look at Shorter with a shit eating grin.

Ash walked lazily into the cramped living room, strides much to long for the narrow space that was between the couches, dropping down beside Sing, swinging an arm over him. The smaller boy, preoccupied with his Ds, jumped at the sudden contact, glaring till he saw it was Ash. His face, paled, ears blooming red. Shorter leaned against the doorway, hidden from Sing’s view.

 

So he wanted Ash do this alone, huh.

 

Ignoring his best friend’s lack of cooperation, Ash turned back to Sing, pulling him in.

 

“Hey Sing, what’s up bud?”

 

“N-nothing. What do you want? Where’s Shorter gege?” The little runt had the audacity to glare at Ash, as if he was the one who was a problem.

 

“He’s grabbing something for Nadia.”

 

“Nadia jiejie didn’t tell me she needed anything,” Sing looked up, craning his neck to narrow his eyes in suspicion at Ash.

 

“She was in rush, she probably just forgot to mention it,” shrugging, Ash ruffled Sing’s bushy hair. “Anyways, I have to ask you something Sing,” he paused looking at the boy’s reaction. “Did you eat my Twix? I left it on the table.” As if Ash had pushed a switch, the boy’s ears flared a bright fire truck red.

 

“No! Why’d I want your stupid chocolate anyways? Shorter gege can just get me some if I ask.” He pulled away, bringing his legs up to his chest, intent on ignoring Ash.

 

Ash leaned forward, glancing to see Shorter looking at him, face bored. Shaking his head slightly, Ash turned back to Sing. Just cause his ears were red when he lied didn’t necessarily mean it was because of that. _Maybe_ he was just flustered or scared. Maybe he was hot. Ash couldn’t rule out any possibilities here. It was for science and to prove Shorter wrong after all.

 

“Hey Sing, I got another question for you.”

 

“What, Ash?”

 

“Ash? Shorter is not gonna be happy if he hears you calling me that.”

 

“What, Ash _gege_?” Sing glared sharper, pushing the words through gritted teeth, looking as if he was about rip Ash’s smug off his face. Ash didn’t know why Shorter was so anal about the whole respect thing but if it made Sing act like less of an ass, then he more than welcomed it.

 

“You’re in grade 5 right?”

 

Sing blinked looking up, staring as if Ash was the world’s biggest idiot. “Yea I am.” His ears were back to normal.

 

Ash was the world’s biggest idiot.

 

Shorter rounded the corner, whooping as he ruffled Sing’s hair. The younger boy looked confused but leaned into the affectionate touch. Shorter grinned at Ash.

 

“Damn, I can see why you like being right all the time. It feels like incredible.”

 

Ash groaned leaning back. He _really_ hated the Wongs.

 

///

 

narrowing his eyes, Ash turned to Eiji, smiling softly at the boy. The last thing he needed now was for Eiji think he was upset with him. “Hey Eiji, can you take the drinks over? I’m gonna grab some muffins.” Eiji nodded, walking back to the table, his shoulders relaxing a fraction. Ash filed that very important information away for later.

 

Propping his elbows on the counter, Ash turned his attention back to Sing. “So, why the hell are you acting so damn shady?”

 

“W-what do you mean?” He turned busying himself with cleaning mugs that seemed spotless.

 

“Sing, you’ve always been such a shit liar, can you just hurry up and tell me whatever the hell happened?” Ash paused, flitting through the different possibilities of what could have happened. “If you went through my notebook, it’s all good.”

 

“Ash, bro, I wanna ask you one thing; why the hell would I ever wanna go through your boring ass notebook?” His ears were cooling off and he met Ash’s gaze.

 

“Then why do you look like you pulled some shit?”

 

“Shit, fine. ‘Kay listen, I didn’t wanna tell him but you know how he is. He gets all whiny and annoying as hell if shit doesn’t go his way an-“

 

Ash pushed himself back, holding out a hand cutting into Sing’s nervous ramble. “Who the fuck are you talking about exactly?”

  

“Shorter?!” Ash whipped around at, seeing the head of purple he knew oh so well, standing by his table. Standing too close for just friends, arm linked with Shorter’s was Yue. Eiji’s mouth opened and closed, glancing between the two then looking up at Ash in question.

 

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.

 

“Sing?”

 

“Yea?”

 

“You’re dead.”

 

"Yea, I figured."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter but oh boy even writing this was difficult. I wrote 3 different ways to introduce shorter and yue in and transition but they all seemed too fake and i settled on this. i do hope the next chapter i can post sooner and it will hopefully be longer.  
> As you can see, ive changed the chapter count from 3 to 5 mainly because im adding in more scenes and trying to expand on Ash's character.  
> im also working on another fic, this time with Eiji as the main perspective!   
> as always, thank you for reading and i hope to read your comments! thank you very much!


	4. How To Be A Complete Fuck Up

“Oh hey Ash, wild seeing you here,” Shorter looked up into the blonde’s icy eyes, letting go Eiji who he had pulled into a head lock.

 

“Why are you here?” he glared, directing the heat of his gaze at Shorter and Yue. Neither seemed to care much, with Shorter going back to talking to Eiji and Yue examining his nails closely. Grabbing a chair from a nearby vacant table, Ash put himself in between Shorter and Eiji, the latter shooting him a grateful look.

He turned his attention back to Shorter, raising his eyebrows in anticipation.

 

“What, me and Yue can go anywhere we want for our date. It’s a free country.” Shorter pulled down his sunglasses, peering at Ash over them. He was doing his ridiculous puppy dog face that looked more disgusting than cute if Ash was being honest but instead of the familiar gagging he’d get when Shorter made that face all that registered in his mind was Shorter’s words.

A date.

With Yue.

 

He shook his head. He’d deal with Shorter’s shit taste in guys later. Right now he needed him to leave. Soon. Preferably in the next second.

 

“What the fuck are you two doing here?” Ash blinked. He had opened his mouth but no words had come out yet. He turned slowly, looking at Eiji, whose voice had gone threateningly low, eyes narrowed at Yue. Shorter’s wide eyes and agape mouth mirrored the shock Ash felt, but Yue sat unfazed.

 

“Again, like Shorter said, it is a free country and we were out and decided to swing by his jiejie’s store. I never would’ve expected to see you on your date here but what are the odds.” Lifting a shoulder slightly, as if raising it higher would kill him, Yue went back to looking at his nails, bored with the conversation at hand.

 

Ash glanced furtively at Eiji, not quite sure what to expect from him anymore. 

 

“That is bullshit Yue-san. How did you know we were going to be here? I did not tell you about our study dat- meeting because I thought you were going to do something like this.” Eiji’s face had gone cold, voice detached. Could he really have been the same boy who had told Ash brightly about photography? He seemed to have been transformed and Ash felt something break inside of him.

 

The thought came before Ash could stop it. What if Eiji was like those bastards who were all charming and sweet but once they got pissed off, they decided you weren’t human and could be thrown around? What if Eiji was just being all sweet and charming around Ash, only to leave him when he had his fill?  _No._

Eiji was _not_ like that. Ash shook his head, closing his eyes to recount all the little acts of kindness Eiji showed him.

 

“Ash is everything ok? Do you feel sick? Would you like to sit down?” Ash opened his eyes, and saw Eiji looking at him with concern, his voice whisper soft, the iciness melted by the warmth in his eyes.

“I’m ok, I was just thinking where we should go to get rid of these dumbasses.” He earned a small snort from Eiji, who immediately coughed to cover up the noise. He raised an eyebrow. Cute, he’d have to tell him he liked it later. His train of thought was interrupted by a indignant whine.

 

“Heyyy, I’m not _that_ stupid dude.” And oh right. Shorter and his new boy toy were still here. Shorter pouted, pulling his sunglasses off, doing his best to look hurt. He sniffed, wiping a fake tear from his face. Ash just thought he looked stupid.

 

“I do not wish to insult you, but seeing as you like Yue Lung, I have to agree with Ash,” Eiji looked sympathetically at him, patting his shoulder.

 

“What? C’mon Eiji, I thought you and me were bros!” Shorter held a hand over his chest, leaning against Yue’s slight frame. “I don’t know if I can go on like this. Betrayed by my only friend and then by the guy who taught me how to take good pics?”

 

Ash rolled his eyes, feeling the eyes of the other customers lingering too long on them now. “Damn, you’re acting like we shot you or something. Anyways, what do you want?”

 

Yue pushed Shorter off of him, adjusting his hair, before fixing Shorter with a glare that had no real venom in it.

 

“Dude, you’re not the only one who’s allowed to bring his date to Nadia’s place,” at the mention of date, Ash and Yue's cheeks flared up, both of them turning around to protest.

 

“It is NOT a date.” Ash turned to glare at Yue, who promptly flipped him off. He did not want to be in sync with that asshat.

 

“Well clearly you two are getting along, so I have a great idea!” Which meant Shorter was planning to do something incredibly fucking stupid that would involve something illegal, embarrassing Ash or ending up flat out drunk. Bonus points if he managed to do all three without getting arrested.

“Why don’t we switch dat- I mean friends?”

“Hell n-“

“I think it is a great idea Shorter.” Ash was not expecting that. Eiji smiled coyly at Shorter. “I think that sometime away will help us all. Plus I am getting very tired of all this studying.” Turning to face Ash, Eiji handed him his bag. Ash stood dumbly, holding the bag that weighed probably around 20 pounds but he was too busy processing what had just happened to even care about his screaming wrists. “Please keep my bag safe and sound Ash. It has very important things. I hope you enjoy your time with Yue, although,” at this he finally looked over to his friend, rolling his eyes, “it may not be possible seeing how annoying he is.”

 

That got a snort out of Ash. He was _not_ about go down like some weak ass teenager. He was older and knew how to play this game dammit. Dropping his Eiji’s bag on the chair beside him, he leaned over grabbing his shoulders.

 

“Hey! That has my lap-“ Eiji turned to complain, when Ash leaned over, kissing the corner of his mouth, biting softly, just hard enough to leave it slightly red.

 

“Have fun, but don’t forget about me.” The blush that threatened to cover all of Eiji’s face served to make him look even more irresistible and Ash was so fucking close to just grabbing him and making a mess of him. Fuck. He needed to stop that train of thought. Or actually maybe just completely fucking crash it and burn it. Yeah, that seemed to be the better course of action.

 

Shorter looked back and forth, lifting up his glasses, before letting out a low whistle. Yue on the other hand, rolled his eyes at the scene. Ash was pretty sure he heard a muttered 'disgusting.'

 

“Didn’t know you had the balls to make a move Ash. Actually, I didn't know you had balls at all, considering how much of wim-” 

 

“Can you fucking not. Some of us don’t want to see nasty shit so early in the morning.”

 

An awkward cough, made all heads turn staring at the looming figure, who had a blush covering his face. The coffee pot was held uselessly in his hands.

 

“Oi, Sing!” Shorter grabbed the younger man in a neck lock, rubbing at his buzz cut. “Did you see what Ash did? The man has no shame.”

 

“Shorter gege, can you please tone it down. You’re disturbing the other guests and Nadia jiejie is gonna kill me if anyone complains.” Although he was finally taller than his cousin, Sing still had his childlike mannerisms which were evident in the way he pouted, puffing his cheeks out like a toddler.

 

“Hey it’s not me. Ash was out here, practically having sex and honestly that’s what you should be complaining about.”

 

“Ash wa-“

 

“Ash?” Shorter raised an eyebrow at Sing, waiting for him to correct himself.

 

“Ash _gege_ , isn’t the one yelling. Just go on your stupid date, for fuck’s sake.”

 

“Well, I have no problem with that. Any place you want to go to Eiji?” Letting Sing, duck under his arm finally, Shorter linked his arm with Eiji’s.

 

“I- I am fine with any place. As long as you are there.” He smiled that soft smile that, for legal reasons, only Ash should be allowed to see. Ash hated Shorter at this moment.

 

“Well I _am_ a gentlemen and I don’t like to keep my date waiting.”

 

With that, he pulled Eiji out the door.

 

It seemed that with Shorter’s exit, all the sound in the café also disappeared. Sing grumbled under his breath about how Nadia was going to definitely dock his paycheck or make him work extra shifts at Chang Dai. Ash felt a little bit of pity for the boy before he remembered that Eiji had just left with Shorter on a date.

 

Shrugging on his jacket, Ash pushed in his chair. He needed to walk. If he didn't, he'd sit here and make a nervous mess out of himself. As he turned to leave he felt a tug on his jacket.

 

“Are you seriously going to go tail them?” Yue looked at him, expression set into one of indifference, save for the hard look in his eyes.

 

“Ah, no? I was just gonna walk around.” He pulled Yue’s hand off his back, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Well, that’s boring. I thought you’d definitely be running off to save Eiji.”

 

Ash sat back down, chin in the palm of his hand. “Eiji can make his own decisions, even if they are shitty ones. I’m not his boyfriend so why should I care about who he wants to go out with? Besides, we’re just friends and even that, just barely.” He looked away, staring at some spot on the wall. He was not in the mood to hear Yue’s taunting or have him tell him that he was right, that he had no chance with Eiji. A few moments of silence passed before he heard Yue speak.

 

“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Not sure why, since Eiji acts like you’re the best thing to happen to him. I don’t really care about you, but since my friend seems to have a crush on you, I guess I’ll give you some advice.” He leaned forward, and unknowingly, Ash moved in time with him, his hopes slightly rising.

 

“Quit being such a fucking pussy.”

 

Ash couldn’t deny it. That was some good, solid advice.

 

///

He heard Eiji’s loud laugh first.

The door had just opened and the sound of his voice had drifted in. His face was lit up, tears forming on the edge of his eyes. He said something too low for Ash to catch that made Shorter blush. The jealousy he had managed to keep at bay, seemed to flood in.

 

Forcing a smile on his face, he turned to face the breathless couple.

 

“Could your smile look any faker?” He pointedly ignored Yue’s comment, instead choosing to push his smile higher, his muscles straining.

 

“Have fun?” His voice _did_ not quiver and his heart did not want to jump out of his chest, not quite sure if he even wanted to hear the answer.

 

Eiji hummed softly, untying his scarf and Ash unconsciously leaned up to grab it, folding it and placing it on the table in front of him. Eiji raised a single eyebrow but elected to not comment, thank god. “It was fun. Shorter is very funny.”

 

Was it possible to die from a sentence? Ash was wondering if he could sue Eiji for emotional damage, when he continued his sentence.

 

“I really did not want to come back to study.” That was another arrow to his heart. Then the fucker had the _audacity_ to smile at Ash, as if he didn’t just ruin him.

 

“Well, the café is about to close, wanna head over to my place now?” His face was tight, close to shattering. He had no right to feel betrayed. No right to feel so possessive. No right to feel as if his heart was sinking.

 

“Of course. I do not mind.”

 

Nodding, Ash gathered up all his things, shoving his laptop haphazardly in his bag, his notes getting crumpled under his textbooks. Pulling his jacket on roughly, he turned. “What.” He didn’t realize his voice had an edge to it till Shorter held up his hands in surrender.

 

“Chill dude. Jesus, why are so pissed?”

 

“I am _not_ pissed.” Facing Eiji, he gestured. “Ready?”

 

“Ah, yes!” He turned around, waving a hand to Shorter and Yue. “Have a good day! Oh, and Shorter? Thank you.”

 

He bit the inside of his cheek, not wanting to say anything that would wipe that smile off Eiji’s face. Even if he was irrationally jealous, he wouldn’t hurt him. Not now, not ever. He took a deep breath and turned to look at his best friend. He hoped the murderous intent wasn’t too evident on his face.

 

“Hey Shorter?” He willed his voice to sound even.

 

“Yeah, bro?”

 

“Thank you.” Ash found himself genuinely thankful in that moment. Thankful that Shorter had managed to make Eiji feel at ease. Thankful that Shorter had made Eiji laugh. Thankful that Shorter was his best friend. Not that he’d ever admit the last one aloud though.

 

Shorter nodded, smiling at Ash before mouthing a sentence at him. Ash grinned, and turned to leave the warmth of the café. But despite the harsh, icy wind, he felt warm inside.

 

 _You'll be ok._  

///

 

The walk to his apartment was littered with Eiji stopping every few moments to pause and pull out his phone to snap a photo or Eiji rambling about odd things that he found interesting.

 

“Ash, that park you took me to was very nice. I may end up using it for my final year portfolio!” His cheeks had gotten red from the cool air, matching his ridiculously oversized scarf.

 

“Oh really? Then I’m glad I took you.” He looked up at the sky, a question on the tip of his tongue. _Was it nice because he took him there?_  He shook it away, opting for a safer conversation route. “So, final year photography project, huh? Is there going to be a theme or something for it?”

 

Eiji’s eyes widened slightly as if he couldn’t believe Ash was taking interest in what he did. Then his expression became soft and excited. “I do have a theme! For our project we have to. Every year, they add a special condition you have to meet to submit and this year, our theme can only be one word.” He frowned, eyebrows knitting together before continuing. “I do not have my word yet but I know what sort of feeling I would like my photos to give off.”

 

He looked up at sky, his expression serene. The sun was a washed out color but it still managed to illuminate his face, hitting his cheekbones making him look hard yet reliable. For a moment, he looked older than Ash had ever seen him, as if his 21 years were much longer than he let on.

 

Ash followed his gaze off in the horizon, watching as a flock of birds flew off, a lone bird trailing after them, its wings flapping steadily, never catching up.

 

“I feel like that bird.” Ash stayed silent, waiting for Eiji to continue. “No matter what I do, I just can never catch up. I can never make my Otou-san and Okaa-san, my parents, happy.” His hands itched to lean over and pull Eiji in a hug, to reassure him. Instead he clenched them into fists, willing himself to just listen. “They’ll never turn around and acknowledge me. Not when I landed a Vogue cover page. Not when I got into a international college’s business program.” His voice began to shake, the last sentence so soft Ash almost missed it. “Not even when I made finals for the Japan pole vaulting nationals.”

 

They had stopped walking, just standing, close enough to feel the heat through their jackets, shoulders lightly touching. Pulling his hand out of his pocket, he held on to Eiji’s rough, calloused one, rubbing small circles between the small space of his thumb and forefinger.

 

There were a million things Ash could’ve said. But they all sounded so plastic and cheap, even if he genuinely did mean them. Instead he squeezed Eiji’s hand softly looking at him gently. “Hey, it’s getting cold, let’s go.” And Eiji smiled.

 

They didn’t let go of each other’s hands.

 

///

 

The door clicked softly, the lock only sticking once today, Ash realized thankful. Pulling Eiji behind him, he finally let go of the older boy’s hand, moving to lock the door and pull off his sneakers. Shrugging off his jacket, he stilled when he realized that Eiji was just standing looking at him curiously.

 

“…What?”

 

The question seemed to wake Eiji and he shook his head. “I was just surprised that you are taking off your shoes.”

 

“Do Japanese people not?” Now he was confused.

 

“We do, it is just everyone says that Americans were shoes inside. That is why we call Americans dirty.” He paused, a small smirk forming on his face. “Well that and also for their supposed very active sex drive.”

 

“Well, not all stereotypes are true. Although…” Ash, took a step closer, noting with excitement that Eiji’s dark, coal eyes had somehow managed to become even darker. He ran a single finger on his soft cheek, shivering when Eiji closed his eyes, leaning into his touch. He licked his lips, staring at Eiji’s face, so open and trusting. As if reading his thoughts, Eiji opened his eyes, looking into Ash’s. Holding his gaze, he turned, planting a chaste kiss on Ash’s palm, the skin heating up where his lips stayed planted.

 

God, fuck no, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t hurt him. Couldn’t be selfish and take Eiji for himself. His hand shook as he moved it from the soft skin, but before he could retreat, Eiji grabbed his hand. He slowly moved his hand to rest on his chest, right above his beating heart.

 

“I want to know so much more about you, Ash. I want to be selfish with you and,” he paused, lifting Ash’s hand to his mouth, “I. Want. To. Give. You. Everything.” Each word was punctuated with a soft kiss to each knuckle.

 

He bit back the groan that built up in his throat. He wanted this. He wanted Eiji.

 

He nodded. “Okay.”

That one word broke all his careful self control.

 

Gently with his other hand, he swiped his digits against Eiji’s cheekbones, the tip of his thumb barely touching his long eyelashes. Eiji closed his eyes and let out a breath of air, as if he had been waiting for this.  


Eiji’s own hand continued to draw long, lazy circles on Ash’s palm, sometimes touching a particularly ticklish point.

 

He opened his eyes slowly, and gripped Ash’s waist, pulling him closer. Eiji’s nose touched his chin, and then Eiji was standing on his tiptoes, letting go of Ash’s hand, and instead gripping his face.

 

“Can I kiss you?” And that was all Ash needed.

 

He leaned down in response, tilting his face so as not to bump noses. As his lips met Eiji’s he felt the remnants of a smile and his own lips couldn’t help but curl up in ecstasy. Eiji’s apparent soft lips were actually pretty rough and he really needed to use some chapstick, but it didn’t matter. Not when he was kissing Ash if he was he all he needed. When he felt Eiji’s muscles tense slightly, his hand squeezing Ash’s, Ash pulled back, resting his forehead his. Eiji’s eyes were closed, tan skin peppered with blotches of red, breath coming out in short pants.

 

After a moment he opened his eyes, black boring into jade.

 

“I used to be an athlete, so I never thought much could take my breath away. But then again, you are always teaching me so many new things.” Eiji reached up, linking his hands around Ash’s neck, smiling wide. His smile looked like the one in the photo that had made Ash fall in love.

 

“Well, I can teach you a lot more. Speaking of teaching…” Ash trailed off, noticing how he still hadn’t let Eiji in properly. Making out in the foyer was great and all, hell it was even kinda hot, but the poor guy was probably tired from studying all day. He should at least let him sit down and _then_ kiss him senseless. “You should come in. I mean properly.” He tacked on the last bit, seeing Eiji’s confused expression.

 

Eiji nodded, pulling off brown loafers that were definitely not made for this snow and shrugged off his thin coat. No wonder he was always freezing. He had no clothes made for the weather. Ash would have to take him out shopping. Maybe he could get Max to lend him the car. He paused. Was he trying to date Eiji or be his mother? At this point he couldn’t tell and he wasn’t sure he cared.

 

“So what do we do now?” Eiji cleared his throat, standing awkwardly inside, shifting his weight from one foot to the next.

 

“Err, good question. I wasn’t really planning on kissing you, not that I regret it, but yea, umm I’m not sure. We could always study?” Ash looked away, not sure how to continue. He was so out of depth here, dammit. Eiji wasn’t some one night stand. He wanted to do this right, but hell, he didn’t even know what “this” was.

 

Before, he could add on to his sentence, he heard soft footfalls, cross the threshold to reach him. He felt arms come up and wrap up around him, holding him.

 

Then he felt a push. His feet moved automatically, walking backwards so he wouldn’t fall over. Then another shove. It wasn’t until his knees hit the couch and he fell on to it, that he realized this was what Eiji had wanted.

 

His back was against the worn fabric, eyes wide taking in the boy leaning over him, grinning mischievously. A wave of panic went through his heart, bile rising up unconsciously and no, he was not fucking going there. He was _not_ going to ruin this. Before he could run through some grounding exercises, he felt the couch beside him sink in. Eiji settled down beside him, their shoulders touching.

 

“I want to just relax with you. You work too hard, you need to relax. You are only a young boy.” Eiji’s voice was soft, had no indications of any other intentions other than letting Ash rest.

 

And Ash realized that he wanted Eiji. He so badly wanted this sweet boy, who always had comebacks for him and would never settle for less. He wanted all of Eiji; he wanted to see him angry, see him excited, and see him splayed out and vulnerable in front of him. The fear he had felt just moments ago, seemed so silly.

 

How could Eiji ever hurt him? How could Eiji ever be like the others? How could he ever think otherwise?

 

Beside him, Eiji leaned against the ratty couch, eyes closed, a smile dancing on his lips. He reached out his hand, seeking Ash’s. His smile grew when he found it, interlacing their fingers, his eyes still closed.

 

He looked so at ease, and made every thought in Ash’s head seem so out of place. He trusted Ash and, he realized with a start, Ash trusted him. The warmth of their shoulders touching seemed to small compared to heat of their kiss before, the heat that Ash wanted to engulf him whole.

 

He closed his eyes. Fuck. The air seemed to cold and pulled him in tight embrace, making everything seem so distant and silly. Only one thing made sense and that was to kiss Eiji’s stupid, pretty mouth that always seemed to have perfect comebacks lined up and sweet words to tease him. The was the only thing that would the warm air again.

 

Ash didn’t think twice. He squeezed Eiji’s hand, and turned his head to look at the smaller boy. Eiji opened his eyes curiously, tilting his head in question. Ash leaned forward just so their foreheads were about to touch. He took a single deep breath. “I want to know you too. All of you. And I want to feel you Eiji and remember how you look when no one else sees you. I really want to do more than just kiss you.”

 

He saw Eiji’s dark eyes grow even darker, his mouth open and close and Ash immediately recoiled back, his forehead leaving Eiji’s. Of course Eiji was just joking. Who the hell would ever want _him?_ God he was such an idio-

For the first time in his life, Aslan Callenreese’s brain shut the fuck up.

 

It took him longer than he’d ever admit to process what was happening. Eiji’s soft, sea salt scent was closer than it had ever been. Eiji’s fingers were tangled in Ash’s long strands, one hand holding his face, the other at the hem of his shirt, drawing circles on his hip bones.

 

Then it hit him.

 

He couldn’t help the small tear that rolled out, landing on their joined lips. He couldn’t help but lean forward into the warmth, hands searching for something to hold on to, something to ground him because he was pretty sure he was feeling too light to be able to still follow the principles of gravity.

 

He settled on leaving his hands on Eiji’s waist, surprised when it was harder than he had expected. The kiss was slower than they had shared in the foyer. It was a kiss asking permission, asking if this was ok. And Ash leaned in, till he had pushed Eiji down on the sofa, holding himself up on his forearms.

 

Finally Eiji pulled back, looping his arms around Ash’s neck and smiling.

 

“I think for my first kisses those were very good.”

 

Ash felt a curl of satisfaction in stomach hearing Eiji’s words. He was his first. And he definitely wanted to be his last. So he told him.

 

“I never knew I was your first,” he paused taking in the other boy’s reaction, his heart swelling when he saw his cheeks turn a bright red. Cute. “But I’m glad. Because I also want to be your last.”

 

Eiji blinked, surprised at Ash’s sudden honesty before he let out a loud laugh. “We have not even had sex yet and you are already proposing to me. You Americans are really impatient.” He let go of Ash, bending down and laughing.

 

“Hey! It’s not like I say this to everyone. It’s just your specia- Wait, you want to have sex with me?” Ash really wasn’t this slow normally. He also wasn’t this whipped but fuck, something about Eiji made him lose all ability to think straight.

 

Eiji looked up, eyebrows cocked up. “I did say I want all of you and I meant it.” He sat up, finally turning to face Ash properly. “If you want me, then take me.”

 

It was Ash’s turn to break out in a laugh. He couldn’t help it. Coupled with Eiji’s serious expression, his words, the whole situation seemed so out of the ordinary. A dream.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, nothing, it’s just you need to work on your dirty talk,” Ash managed in between laughs.

 

“Well I’m sorry that I am not as smooth like someone else. But at least I do not get jealous of my best friend taking out my crush.”

 

“I was _not_ jealous! I just,” Ash scrambled for words. How was Eiji so perceptive and yet so dense at the same time? He needed to figure that out. Also wait; did Eiji just say ‘crush’? Shit how obvious was he?

 

“Of course you were not. But well, it was quite cute. When I saw you pouting, I wanted to kiss you and let you know I only had eyes for you.” Eiji’s voice was low, tickling his ear. When did he get so close? His words were making Ash grow warm and he couldn’t stop the groan that left his mouth.

 

Lifting his face up, he was greeted by full pink lips, so close to his own. It was as if Eiji was doing this on purpose and, when Ash glanced at him, mischief evident in his eyes, Ash realized he was.

 

How could a virgin be making him a puddle of disarrayed thoughts and sentences panted out? It really wasn’t fair.

 

But Ash found he didn’t mind all too much.

 

“Hey Eiji?”

 

“Hmm?”  


“I’m gonna kiss you now.”

 

It was messier that the ones they had shared before. Ash pushed his mouth hard against Eiji’s, his hands tangling in Eiji’s soft curls, pulling his mouth closer.

 

Eiji adjusted himself, holding onto Ash’s waist, his legs swung on opposite sides of Ash, effectively straddling the boy. He pulled himself closer, accidentally rubbing against Ash’s thigh in process, causing the other boy to let out a moan.

 

He knew he was hard. He just wasn’t sure how far to take it tonight. He was with a virgin after all. So he had ignored the strain in his jeans, tried to think about other things other than how hot Eiji looked and if Eiji would scream if he came. It wasn’t the most effective strategy.

 

Now with Eiji right on top on his dick, rubbing his ass against it, Ash wasn’t sure if he could ignore it anymore. Before he could pull away and suggest another, less trying position, Eiji leaned back.

 

“You are hard.”

 

Ash wondered if dying was an acceptable answer to Eiji's statement.

 

“Umm, it’s not what you think?” He looked away, focusing on some spot on the wall, trying to ignore how perfectly Eiji fit in his lap.

 

“I see. I guess I’m not hard either then.”

 

Ash’s eyes snapped back to Eiji, not lingering on his face. Instead his gaze dropped down to his lap. Eiji really was hard. Really hard. He swallowed. Fuck.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yes. Ash, please I really did not want to say this but,” Eiji moved his arms to loop around Ash’s neck, using the leverage to pull himself up. His breath ghosted against Ash’s lips, noses touching. “Please just fuck me already.” Eiji paused for a moment, gauging Ash’s reaction. “If you do not want to, that is fine, but do not hold yourself back to protect or some bullshit like that.”

 

Ash closed his eyes, the intensity of the black burning him. Honest. That’s what he had to be. That’s what Eiji deserved.

 

“I wanna bang you too, it’s just,” he took a grounding breath, “I don’t know if you wanna bang me.”

 

“But I do? I just said I do, I don’t unders-“ Eiji tilted his head, arms loosening around Ash's neck

 

“Look, it’s just, if you knew me and the shit I’ve done, you wouldn’t say that ok?” Ash turned, the motion causing Eiji's arms to leave his neck, his legs to fall to the floor.

 

“Then tell me, Ash. Is it so hard to trust me?” Eiji leaned forward, lightly touching Ash's shoulder. Ash pulled away, as if the touch would burn him.

 

“It’s not about trust Eiji. God, you’re taking this way too personally. It’s just you won’t understand ok?” The room felt too small for the words that he had said. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back.

 

“I don’t understand what the fuck you want from me Ash.” Eiji’s voice was low, his accent thick. “You tell me you like me, but then you don’t want to tell me anything. You tell me you want to have sex but I won't want to because of your past or something. Why can you not talk to me?” The hurt was evident in Eiji’s tone, and Ash didn’t need to look at him, to realize he was close to tears. The stuffiness of his nose made that clear.

 

“Eiji, I swear it’s not you. It’s just I don’t want to corrupt you. You’re so freaking pure. I can’t.” Ash’s voice came out in a whisper, his eyes refusing to open.

 

“That is bullshit Ash. You can tell me whatever you want. You are just using this innocence crap as an excuse.” Ash felt the couch lift up, the warmth that had been beside him, abruptly gone. “You cannot even look at me.” A sharp hollow laugh. Ash kept his eyes closed.

 

“Did you really want to fuck me that bad?” He hated how sharp his voice sounded, hated how he could imagine the hurt in Eiji’s eyes, hated that he was doing this.

 

“If you think this is about sex, you really are the biggest idiot I have ever met. I just want you to be honest with me.” Ash heard shuffling, the jangle of keys.

 

“I am done with this. I think I’ll pass without your help.” The door shut, its noise deafening.

 

Ash finally opened his eyes, turning to see where Eiji had been sitting. He laid down, closing his eyes, letting the last remnants of heat touch his skin. The last of Eiji he’d ever get.

 

Cool tears ran down his face, making the heat slip out of his grip even faster.

 

He hated love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really struggled with this chapter as i wasnt sure what i wanted to do with the plot (keep it fluffy or add some misunderstandings), but it just seemed (near the end) to write itself so yay! 
> 
> (i was also vv busy with work and school, so im so sorry for not replying to comments. i do promise you, i read them all and will get back soon <3)
> 
> i also apologize for the kissing scenes. i havent wrote many before so i hope to improve.
> 
> one note: the title of this will change soon!
> 
> once again thank you so much for reading! i really appreciate your comments!


	5. Miss Communication is Amazing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// this chapter talks about rape heavily, uses homophobic slurs and some slut shaming. please read at your own discretion

He wondered if he could just pretend the ringing of his phone was also part of a nightmare.

 

Ash looked up glancing to the side of his bed, though he wasn’t sure how he managed to get himself up from the couch after last night, and saw the green numbers glaring back at him, letting him know he had slept through the entire day. He had, for the first time since middle school anyways, skipped class. His shift had started 40 minutes ago and he wondered why none of his managers had bothered to call his landlord to get him up. Maybe they really didn’t give a shit or maybe, the more cynical voice in his mind spoke, they just wanted an excuse to get rid of his useless, pathetic ass.

 Whatever, he fucking hated that job anyways.

 

Opening both eyes, he glanced at his phone, a plethora of missed calls and texts from Shorter, Max and even one from Yue. His heart sank when he saw nothing from Eiji. Or did he block his number? He couldn’t remember anything after opening his bottle of beer.

 

All he remembered from last night was heartache that wouldn’t go away no matter how much he drank. And now, he also had a headache to go along with it. He clearly was an honors student.

 

He sighed, figuring he should at least call Shorter back but before he could dial his number, Shorter’s face flashed on his phone.

 

He cleared his throat twice before picking up, hoping it wouldn't come out strained. “Hey, what’s up?”

 

“Bro, you good? You weren’t in class today,” the worry poured from his friend’s voice and he could picture Shorter’s eyebrows drawn in, head tilted. The mental image didn't help his guilt.

 

“Yea man, I was just exhausted and slept in,” he paused, biting the inside of his cheek, wondering if he was even allowed to ask about this. Fuck it. “Was Eiji okay? We stayed up pretty late studying.”

 

“Actually I wanted to ask you about that. Eiji seemed really out of it, he looked like he was about to cry. But when I asked what happened he just told me to leave him alone. Do you know what’s up?”

 

Ash swallowed, the saliva in his mouth thick. He hated himself for being thankful that Eiji kept his mouth shut. “Yea, I don’t know. I mean maybe he had a fight with his parents or something?” The lie sounded hollow even to his ears.

 

But Shorter accepted it. “Oh yea, that's probably it. By the way, your dad called me and was really worried about you. You should probably call him.” A sharp pang of guilt him. So much for keeping that under wraps.

 

“I will, thanks for letting me know bro.”

 

“No worries man. I’m always here for you.” A pause. “But really Ash, is everything ok?”

 

Ash’s pace quickened and he forced a short laugh. “Yea, why wouldn’t it be?”

 

“I don’t know man, maybe cause you don’t usually skip classes and the fact that Eiji-“

 

“What about Eiji?” Ash felt the panic rising in his chest, surfacing in his voice

 

Shorter paused for a moment, before he spoke again, something clicking in place. “What the fuck did you do?” Shorter’s voice was hard, the cheer no longer evident. The complete 180 almost gave Ash whiplash.

 

“Nothing man, damn.”

 

“Ash I’m not playing. You sound guilty as hell. Eiji was a mess today, you didn’t show up to any classes and you didn’t even make your shift at work. Your boss called him. What did you do? Actually, no, what happened?"

Ahh, that would explain Max’s phone call. Ash made a note to give the old man a call back. “Nothing. I just drank a bit too much and I was hungover and tired.”

 

He heard a sigh on Shorter’s end, and he could almost picture his friend rubbing his head in frustration. “Dude, why can’t you tell me anything? Like I know something happened. Why can’t you trust me?”

 

“It isn’t about trust.”

 

“Then what is it about, Aslan?”

 

Ash opened his mouth to tell Shorter it really wasn’t like that, that he did trust him but he was just scared of looking like an idiot, like a complete idiot. Instead he closed his mouth, eyes shut tight. After a beat of silence Shorter spoke again.

 

“Whatever, I’m not gonna force you to talk. When you wanna, just call me.” Then it went quiet. Quieter than Ash had ever experienced in his life.

 

He put the phone and covered his eyes with his hands, wishing. He wished he hadn’t stayed quiet. He wished he had explained. He wished he didn’t cry.

///

Ash debated if he should call Max. He was either pissed as hell or worried. Either way, Ash would not hear the end of it.

 

He lay on his bed, hands resting behind his head, debating his choices, phone on his chest, the weight reminding him that he couldn’t exactly ignore what was happening.

 

He closed his eyes, hoping he could ignore the world and just pretend the last night didn’t happen. Or better yet, the past three weeks.

 

But then he wouldn’t have seen Eiji’s soft warmth and kind words that seemed to erase all his worries and simultaneously make him feel things he never knew he could feel again.

 

His eyes closed, remembering the soft touch of padded fingers, dancing over his cheeks, holding him as if he was a soft flower. The ghost of gentle lips pressing into his own, stumbling in a way that made him feel so young and vulnerable. He remembered what could have been, if only he wasn’t so fucked up.

 

A tear slipped out before he could stop and shit, this was not supposed to happen. Pushing himself up, Ash grabbed his phone, dialling a number he had memorized by heart.

 

After 2 rings, Max picked up.

 

“Ash! Are you okay? Are you sick? Do you need anything? I can com-“

 

“I’m fine, old man.”

 

“Oh thank God,” the relief was palpable even through the phone and Ash felt that pinch of guilt pull at his heart. He pushed away those thoughts. Right now, he needed to be heartless, not some emotional teenager.

 

There was a minute of shuffling around and he heard Max close a door, effectively making sure no one was going to come interrupt this call. This was going to be a long conversation.

 

“Why didn’t you go to work?”

 

And so it began.

 

“I was just tired.”

 

“Tired of what Ash?”

 

“I was just tired and hungover. That’s it. not everything I do, has a deep meaning or some shit.”

 

“So you were drinking.” Max’s voice came out slow, each syllable pooling into Ash’s stomach. Fuck, he messed up.

“And why were you drinking?”

 

“Because I was bored.” He hoped his voice sounded nonchalant.

 

“Really? That’s odd, since, you know, the last time you drank was when your girlfriend broke up with you.”

 

“So what?”

 

“So, what happened, Ash?”

 

“Nothing.” He felt the lie, sour and cold, on his lips. Why couldn’t he just tell Max the truth?

 

“How much longer are you going to lie to me Ash?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Aslan, I have a voice message from last night. You called to tell me that you were going to drop out of university and that your life was shit and nothing went right, and,” a pause, he could Max swallowing, “that you just wanted to forget everything and die.”

 

He felt sick. He hated drunk him. And he wanted to tell Max everything, sober. But he didn’t.   
“Why do you even care? It’s not your problem. _I’m_ not your problem.” And then before he could think, “It’s not like you’re even my dad or anything. I know you just feel guilty about not being able to help my brother. You think by helping a fucking slut, it’ll make the fact that you didn’t do shit, better. I’m not your fucking charity case." Shit, shit, shit. This was not what he wanted to say, not even close. But he couldn't stop, not until he had to take a breath.

 

The line was silent. Then, a single ragged breath. “I have always thought of you as my son, Aslan.” Without waiting for goodbye, the line went dead.

 

Ash let the phone drop beside him, holding his head in his hands. The only thing he was good at, he realized, was lying and being an asshole. 

/// 

As much as he’d like to, Ash couldn’t skip another day. He had slept the rest of the day, turning off his phone, and pulling his blanket over his head.

 

He had woken up, for once not needing 12 alarms and looked up at the ceiling, the sensation of hands crawling up his body not quite gone yet. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the sensation to go away, to think of something so bright that it would push all the darkness away.

 

All he could think of was Eiji’s soft smile, his rough lips and his warm hands. The way Eiji had looked at him, with bright eyes and had touched him as if he was breakable porcelain. He could only think of the way Eiji had shown him love. The way Eiji had shown him everything he never dreamed he would get.

 

Everything he didn’t deserve. Not after what he had done. What _they_ had done. They had taken away his firsts and then what had he gone and done? Fucked anyone who looked twice his way, convincing himself he wanted it. He had wanted to rewrite the memories etched on his body. Instead all he got was one-night stands, disappointment and bile rising in his throat whenever anyone had touched him. He was a fucking slut, only good for fucking and then leaving. He probably would leave Eiji after he had fucked him, just like he left everyone else.

 

Well everyone save for his ex-girlfriend and, Eiji, the small hopeful part of his reminded him. But even if he didn't get sick of Eiji, he knew better than anyone that being with him was difficult and, if he was being honest, not worth the hassle. The long winded explanations, the nights he couldn’t handle a gentle touch and the mood swings, God those were the worst.

 

He also knew he was a selfish bastard. And he still wanted Eiji. He wanted to show Eiji all of him, his past bared to him. He was a fucking asshole for even thinking that.

 

Eiji didn’t deserve that. Eiji deserved something Ash could never give him.

With a heavy sigh, Ash knew what he had to do. He’d go to class, sit in the back and then he’d end whatever started between them. That was for the best after all.

 

Despite knowing that fact, he still felt a sharp stab in his heart. He ignored it and got ready for class.

///

“Hey Ash, didn’t see you yesterday,” Sing looked up from the till, waving a hand over. Ash grunted in reply, sitting down. He hoped Sing would get he wasn’t in the mood to talk and just give him his drink and let him go.

 

“So, I heard you and Eiji got into a fight.” And of course he wouldn’t shut up. When Ash said nothing, Sing continued, lifting up his hands in . “Not that Eiji said anything really, he just came after class and his eyes were red as hell and I had to ask what was up, you know? And all he asked about was you. So I mean I figur-“

 

“Wait, what?” Ash felt his blood run cold, the warmth of the café suddenly disappearing. "What did you say?"

 

“He asked about you?” Sing raised an eyebrow, hands still working. It was incredible that he could still manage to make fancy ass coffee _and_ look at Ash like he was crazy. Astounding, he really should put that skill on his resume.

 

“What did he say?”

 

“Well he was wondering if you swung by and when I told him you didn’t he got all sad and did this cute-“ Ash glared at the boy, “this puppy dog thing and I had to ask what was up.”

 

“So what did he say?”

 

“He said you two got into a fight and that it was his fault and he wanted to apologize. He also asked me if you were dating someone or something,” Sing paused, biting his lip before turning around. “And I’m sorry man, but I told him about her. Not a lot but, like just that she kinda fucked you over.” He placed a cup of something in front of Ash, along with a plate with a slice of cake. A peace offering. Ash debated ignoring it but the thick chocolate frosting was calling his name and he caved.

 

Sing waited till Ash had taken a bite of the cake. “He really cares about you man and I don’t know what happened but just go talk to him.” His voice was earnest and Ash knew he should explain what happened but then he’d just be giving Eiji another chance to get hurt, and the small voice in the back of his head whispered, another chance for him to get hurt.

 

“Yea, we’ll see.” He looked up, expecting Sing to drop it. He wasn’t like Shorter, who wouldn’t get off his case until he did what he had promised to do. No, Sing was relaxed. Except for today.

 

“Ash, I swear to God if you don’t get your shit together and talk to him, I’ll, I’ll,” Sing stuttered, the threat losing meaning.

 

“You’ll what? Make him fall in love with you? This isn't some shitty romcom.” Ash snorted, taking a bite of his cake.

 

“Yea, you know what, I will. He’s hot and clearly you don’t give a shit about him.” Sing slammed down a cup in front of Ash and the statement, along with his actions, made him choke on his cake, frosting going up his nose.

 

He glared at Sing, wiping his face on his sleeve when the punk didn’t offer him a tissue. Some customer service. He scowled the entire while, though attempting to look murderous with cinnamon tea all over your face was a difficult task.

 

“Just talk to him Ash. Jesus, you probably have some stupid ass reason not to, like ‘oh boo hoo, I don’t want to hurt him because I’m such a snowflake that’s a shitty person and he’s too good for me.’” When Ash’s cheeks reddened, Sing groaned dropping his head on the counter. “You’re fucking kidding me. What are you, some angsty teen? Grow the fuck up Ash.” Sing turned around, grabbing something. “Here give Eiji some coffee and _talk_ to him.”

 

“Fine.”

///

The lecture theatre was empty making each footstep echo. It was eerie, being so early on campus. Sure, Ash had stayed till 4 AM before, cramming for a midterm but he had never shown up before 9. The quiet made it seem as if the world was stuck in time, nothing quite real. He walked down the stairs, pausing at their usual seats. Brushing his fingers against the scratched up plastic desks, he walked slowly, finally stopping at Eiji’s desk. He brushed the surface, maybe picking up traces of the boy he had to give up. If he stayed he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. But he didn’t want to leave. Not before giving him his drink at least.

 

So he sat down, adjusting his things on the small desk before pulling out a bunch of post-its and a pen. He wondered if anything he said would matter. If anything he said would even change anything. Instead he wrote a single word, stuck it on the cup and got up.

 

He moved to the top left corner of the theatre where the projector room jutted out hiding him from most people’s view. From here, no one would see him but he could see everyone. He settled in.

 

It was going to be a long class.

///

He saw Shorter walk in first, his hands in his jeans, mouth set in a hard line. Shorter looked around, shoulders dropping when he didn’t see anyone else. Pulling out his phone, he began typing out a text, before deleting it. If he told Eiji that Ash was absent again, the kid would probably drop out of the class. He shook his head, wondering what the hell he was going to do.

 

Eiji walked in next. His stride was quick, little steps, almost running. He looked around the theatre, once, twice before his shoulders deflated, the action hiding his face. It took every ounce of strength in Ash’s body to not run up to him and tell him it wasn’t that he wasn't there because of him. To tell him this was better for him. He squeezed his hands into fists, his nails leaving crescent shaped marks on his palm. He watched as Eiji approached Shorter, Shorter shaking his head apologetically. They walked down the stairs, lips moving. They were too far for Ash to read their lips, but judging from Eiji’s tired eyes and Shorter’s nervous foot tap, it was not a happy conversation. As they reached their seats, Eiji’s head shot up. His hand seemed to shake as he peeled off the note, rereading that small word. He turned to Shorter, speaking loud enough that Ash could catch some of his words.

 

“I have too… Only once…yes,” he began to nod and Shorter seemed to be thinking deeply about whatever Eiji had said. Shorter’s own voice was low, and all Ash could catch were some noncommittal noises. Finally, Shorter shook his head, speaking loudly.

 

“Eiji, you can’t keep pulling this shit. What the fuck happened man? Ash won’t tell me shit, which, hey, nothing new.” The sharp tone in his voice made Ash stop for a minute, eyes widening. “Like I don’t know what happened or how the hell I’m supposed to help either of you, if you both of you don’t tell me shit. So just tell me. I’m done tryna have to beg to know what’s happening to my best friend.” Shorter leaned against the desk, his hands in his pockets. Even from how far Ash was sitting, he could see the way Shorter’s shoulders were tense.

 

“It is just that I do not want to say something in the wrong,” Eiji spoke softly, as if he was addressing a wounded animal. “But I can understand you are worried for him. I just want to know something before I tell you what happened,” he took a deep breath, bracing himself. “What Arthur said, is it true? And Ash…” Eiji dropped his voice to whisper, eyes nervous, biting his lip.

 

Ash did not want to hear where this was going. He couldn’t hear what was going to happen. He didn’t want to see Eiji’s beautiful eyes look disgusted, repulsed when he found out. He didn’t want to see Eiji’s face twist into a look of contempt when he understood how depraved Ash was.

 

He took a deep breath. Then he walked slowly out of the lecture theatre, his eyes downcast. He had to end this. Before he got hurt.

 

He wondered when he had become such a coward.

///

He spent the morning in the school gardens, sitting in the corner with his laptop on, graphs and numbers looking him back, not making any sense for the first time.

 

He had picked actuarial sciences as his major because of how numbers always worked out in the end. Everyone had thought he would have done a degree in psychology or development studies but he didn’t need to pay thousands of dollars to figure out how shitty people were. He already had plenty of experience with that, thanks.

 

And as odd as it may be, numbers always had a way of making him relax and take a deep breath. The way they would settle into place and bend however he wanted them too, made Ash feel as if he was in control. Numbers always made sense. People never did.

 

So he had tried to distract himself by pulling up old graphs and running through patterns to analyze them, to see what secrets he could get from them. But his mind was busy thinking of what had happened. He wondered if Shorter would tell Eiji everything. Maybe he’d lie. Or maybe Shorter had had enough of all his shit and would say fuck it. Maybe Eiji wouldn’t believe anything. And maybe, a small part of him hoped, Eiji wouldn’t care. But then reality came crashing down and he remembered this wasn’t some movie where his past didn’t matter and where he would forget everything when his prince would kiss him.

 

So he’d have to fix this himself. He checked his phone for the 10th time, willing the time to go by faster. Each minute he sat here, just staring at his bright screen made him acutely aware of the fact that he was so weak and such a coward.

 

Resting his head against the cold metal, he ran through a thousand excuses, each one sounding more and more half-assed than the last. He didn’t know what he would say that wouldn’t sound like it was Eiji’s fault. He could always opt for honesty but that would make it seem as if he was unreliable. Though, Ash smiled ruefully, was he really in a position to say otherwise?

 

It was either his reputation or Eiji’s and everyone here already knew him, it wouldn’t matter if a rumour or two got out about him.

 

But Eiji. This was his one chance to make it. His chance to make his parents proud of him. He could achieve his dreams here. All Ash had to do was step back.

 

He checked the time again. 12 o’clock.

 

Slowly he picked up his things, taking care not to crease his notes and drop his pens. Hands shaking, he wondered if he could do this. Then he remembered the soft smile that had graced Eiji’s face when he had talked about photography. He remembered the tears that edged the corners of his eyes when he talked about his parents.

 

Ash’s hands relaxed, the change so quick it was almost laughable. He was a lovesick fool.

///

Blanca’s office was quiet, the soft whir of his laptop the only noise. It was oddly comforting. If Ash focused enough, he could almost drown out the noise in his head.

 

“Would you mind repeating that for me, Mr. Callenreese.” Blanca’s voice was smooth, almost fooling Ash into thinking this would be all right. If it weren’t for the way his hands were folded together, so hard it made his nails white, Ash would be none the wiser.

 

“I would like to drop out of your class.” Ash kept his tone even. The last thing he cared about was pissing off Blanca. He was more concerned about making sure Eiji didn’t look bad.

 

“And here I thought I was going senile,” rubbing at the bridge of his nose, Blanca took a moment before speaking again, voice tense. “And may I ask why? After the whole dilemma you caused just to get in, why do you want to drop out?”

 

“I’ve got too much on my plate right now. I don’t have time to help another kid. I’ll fail.”

 

"I find it difficult to believe you're going to fail considering the fact that you're doing extremely well in this class right now."

 

"Blanca, me and Eiji talked about it. If he doesn't care, it shouldn't be a problem." Okay, that was a lie but seeing how he and Eiji weren't talking, he probably didn't care.

 

"I see." Blanca's face was unreadable, his hands flat on his table. "Well then Ash, I'll submit your withdrawal to the department head. Anything else you need?"

 

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks," he turned lifting a hand in goodbye, walking out of the office. 

 

He thought he would feel relieved. Instead all he wanted to do was down a bottle and sleep. He walked slowly, grateful that at least he didn't have work tomorrow. Maybe he'd go to Shorter's place and tell him what had happened. He wondered if Shorter would pity him and get Nadia to give him some pastries. Or maybe he'd be pissed and in an attempt to murder him, he’d give Ash some of his food. He laughed at the thought and he felt his heart lighten slightly.

 

Then he remembered the acid in Shorter’s voice, the way his usual grin had been replaced by lips pressed in a thin line. Ash knew he had messed up. He also knew that Shorter would come around in a few days, asking him bluntly what the hell he was hiding. He just didn't know if he would be able to answer him then.

 

He waited till he heard the faint ringing of the bell and the footsteps that resounded in the halls stopped before he cautiously looked around. When it seemed as if no one he knew or recognized was around, he stepped out. The last thing he wanted was someone to ask him questions. He just wanted to go home.

///

Every therapist he had gone to had told him that sleeping wasn’t an actual coping mechanism. He wondered if any of them knew the comfort that came when he closed his eyes, chest against the cool covers, breeze coming through the open window. It made everything seem so far off. If he couldn’t run away from his problems in real life, he'd do his damn best to at least have the illusion of it.

 

And he almost did. Then he heard someone banging on his door, the sound loud enough to wake him up from his dreamlike state. He went through the list of people who would come over at 10 PM. Considering the fact that he had pissed off everyone he knew, it was probably a salesperson. That or a serial killer. Ash closed his eyes again, figuring whoever the hell it was would take a damn hint and _leave._

 

Five minutes passed and the knocking had not let up. There had been a lapse where Ash thought that they were finally done. Then it began again.

 

“Fucking hell.” Whoever was interrupting his angst session was a complete asshole.

 

“What the fu-”

 

“What the hell are you thinking!” Before he could even get a word out, he felt himself stumbling, the surprise pushing him back.

 

“Eiji?” He spoke his name softly, as if it were a prayer that didn't deserve to leave a sinner’s lips.

 

“I asked you a question Ash.” In contrast, Eiji’s voice had lost its gentle touch. It was all sharp angles and pointed words. The words were like a bucket of ice water dumped on his face. This wasn't the time for him to be enchanted by Eiji.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You know what I mean.” Eiji was beginning to get frustrated now, running his hands through his hair.

 

“I really don't.” Ash kept his voice cool, leaning against the doorframe.

 

Eiji let out an exasperated sigh. “Why did you lie to Blanca and drop out of the class? Why haven’t you been coming to university? And why are you ignoring me?” Eiji’s voice fell quiet at the last question, head dropping low. And fuck, Ash could see the tears in his eyes.

 

“It’s none of your business.”

 

Whatever emotion had been there moments ago, was quickly replaced with indginance, anger lighting up again. “It is not my business? You do not get to say that! Not after we agreed to help each other.”

 

“Fine, you wanna know why? It's because I have too much on my plate and I can't be stuck helping someone who doesn't know the basics, okay?” He kept his voice even, making each word filled with as much venom as he could muster.

 

Ash expected Eiji’s face to fall or for him to get angry and tell him he was an asshole.

 

Instead, Eiji nodded, as if Ash had just told him the weather for tomorrow. “You are right, Ash and that is fair enough. I know I am difficult to teach. I just want to say thank you then, for what you did.” He bowed slightly, turning to leave. Slumped shoulders were the only indication that he was upset.

 

And fuck that hurt. It hurt more than if Eiji had just yelled at him.

 

“Oh and Ash?” Eiji turned, smiling ruefully. “I am sorry if I forced you to kiss me. I just thought that you had wanted to as well. I am sorry if I pressured you.”

 

Then he turned, walking down the hallway, his footsteps resounding on the concrete, each step cementing that fact that this was over, that Ash had succeeded.

 

So then why did everything feel cold, as if the temperature had dropped to below freezing.

Eiji thought that _he_ was like _them_?

No.

No, no, no. How could Eiji, the one person who made Ash believe in love again _ever_ be like those fuckers? How could Eiji ever think that? More importantly, how could Ash let him?

 

He wasn't sure if this was the right decision but he couldn't let Eiji go, thinking that he hadn't wanted to kiss him and hold him. He wanted Eiji to know that he had wanted every touch and had meant every smile. He couldn't let him go. Not like this.

 

“Eiji! Wait.” Ash reached out, holding on to Eiji’s wrist. “Please.”

 

Eiji stopped and turned around slowly. “What is it, Ash?” He had his saccharine sweet smile plastered on his face.

 

And Ash realized, in that moment, he could choose to be honest and save Eiji grief or lie and make him have that pained look again. He wondered if he had always been this stupid.

 

“I, umm, you never pressured me at all. I wanted what happened. I wanted more actually but I just didn't want to make you dirty,” hearing the words out loud, he realized just how small minded he sounded. Could anything make Eiji dirty?

 

“What do you mean Ash?” Eiji’s voice was confused, but gentle. The cold tone was replaced with warm hands on his face that were swiping at the tears that were at the edge of his vision. When did he start to cry?

 

There was a moment of hesitation before Eiji spoke again. “Ash, maybe we should go inside and talk. Is that ok?” Ash nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He didn't want to let out a sob or say anything else he might regret. Although, the time for regrets seemed long gone now.

 

Eiji moved his hands down and held one of Ash’s in his. Ash had never noticed how much bigger his hands were. He had always thought Eiji, kind, soft, warm Eiji would have a smaller frame. After all, he was shorter than him. He couldn't say he didn't like it. The way his hand fit in his, felt like a puzzle piece clicking in place. As if it was meant to be.

 

Was there anything else left for him to regret? He had broken apart everything and now? He could either pick up the pieces or sit in a house without a roof.

 

Eiji walked slowly, stopping at the door. His hand never left Ash’s and even now, when he turned to face him, there was no judgement or pity. All there was, was understanding. “Ash, umm, if you do not want me to come in, I won’t. I-”

 

Ash cut him off with a firm shake of his head. He took a few deep breaths before speaking. “No. I _want_ to talk to you.” The words were heavy between them.

 

“Ok.”

 

Eiji pushed open the door and Ash walked in, hand intertwined with Eiji's.

 

He walked over to the dining table, letting go of Eiji’s hand and immediately he wished he didn't. But he had to be a decent host.

 

“Do you want anything to drink?” His voice was hoarse to his own ears. It sounded weak and vulnerable. The last time it had sounded like this was years ago when he had been young, dumb and in love. Not much had really changed.

 

And Eiji laughed.

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“It is just that despite everything, you are still attempting to host me. It is just so silly,” Eiji bent down, face red. After a few moments, Ash began to smile too and chuckled a little.

 

“But seriously, do you want anything?”

 

“All I want Ash, is to talk.” And there, that look again. The look that just wanted Ash. The look that made Ash feel as if he was at the centre of Eiji’s world.

 

He nodded, grabbing a glass of water for himself. After drowning it in one gulp, he felt marginally better. Sitting down across from Eiji, he closed his eyes.

 

“So, umm, there's a lot of stuff I didn't tell you. Not because I don’t trust you or anything. But because I didn't want you to see me differently. I just didn't want you to think I was some slut or something.” Ash stopped, collecting his thoughts.

 

“But then I heard Arthur already said some shit and I overheard you and Shorter this morning, so I guess you know. And-”

 

“Shorter did not tell me anything.” Eiji cut off Ash, voice firm.

 

Ash’s head whipped up, eyes widening. “Oh.” He swallowed shallowly. “What did Arthur say to you?”

 

He waited for a bombshell, for Eiji to tell him that he knew everything.

 

“He said some things to me. But what he said doesn't matter. I do not trust his words. If you did not tell me something I will not believe it.”

 

And suddenly, Ash _did_ want to tell Eiji everything. He wanted Eiji to know.

 

“I bet he called me a slut. And he wouldn't be wrong.”

 

“As-”

 

“He’s not wrong either. I’m not some pure fucking flower. I’m fucked up and I can’t have a relationship last more than week and I just don’t want to drag you into it but I can’t help it. I just like you a lot but I feel so selfish an-“

 

“Ash.” Eiji placed a soft hand over his, squeezing softly. “Ash, thank you for telling me that. I like you too and I am thankful that you are telling me this.” He smiled and Ash realized he didn’t have to say anything more. Eiji wouldn’t say anything, he wouldn’t push.

 

But Ash did want to tell him. He took a deep breath.

 

“The reason why I have such a hard time with this is cause of some shit that happened to me as a kid.” He looked up, gauging Eiji’s reaction. When he saw an impassive face, he continued.

 

“When I was kid, I lived with my older brother. My real dad was a dead beat, an asshole you know. He never wanted kids, he just wanted to fuck every broad he could. So he wasn’t really around in my life. My brother though, he was always there. So it wasn't that bad, because I had him.

 

"Until he signed up for the military and was sent to Afghanistan. Then it was just me and my dad and honestly Eiji, I really thought that maybe my dad would care about if he had to. If no one else did.” Ash paused taking a deep breath, focusing on how Eiji’s thumb ran over his, the calluses rubbing and catching against his skin. The feeling washed over, reminding him, he was here, far away from all that. 

 

“Yea, so that’s what I thought. But he didn’t. One of his girlfriends’ looked after me whenever she was over, though. She’d give me food and take me out sometimes, so it wasn’t as bad as it could be at least. And my dad still put me in sports. 

 

“I’ll be honest, I’m not sure why he did that, it was weird for him to care about my life but I guess he didn’t want his kid to grow up and turn out to be a fag or something. Or maybe, he did care just a little.” Ash shook his head, a tired smile on his lips.

 

“But, anyways, I was in baseball as a kid and I loved it. It was the one thing I was good at and I remember me and my brother would play for hours before he left. It was one of the few things I really loved, Eiji. I really thought that I could be a baseball player or something and my dad would _finally_ be impressed with me and my brother would attend my games and everything would be ok. That we'd be some happy family or some bullshit.

 

“But I couldn’t even have that.” He closed his eyes, breathing shallowly, willing his voice to be still. “I couldn’t even have that Eiji. The coach of our team was a fucking monster. When he found out Griffin left and that my dad didn’t really give a shit about me, he started, well fuck, he started to invite me to his place after practice.

 

“I would go and in the beginning all it was, was him giving me juice, asking about my day and playing card games with me. I’d stay pretty late because he made me feel so safe and I thought he was going to come in one day and tell my dad he was gonna take care of me or something. I really loved him.

 

“Then one day he just asked me if I wanted to try to play another game, a big kid game. I guess part of me knew that something was up but I didn’t want him to hate me or anything, so I said ok. And then he, he, he raped me.” Ash hated the way his voice broke, hated the way the tears fell down his face when he was trying so hard not to let them. He hated the fact that that bastard still had such a strong hold on him and his life.

 

Eiji’s thumb stopped abruptly and Ash couldn’t stop laughing.

 

“Not what you expected, huh? I get if you don’t wanna touch me, don’t force yourse-“ he was cut off by warm arms enveloping him, pulling him into a solid chest. Arms that weren’t asking questions or judging him, that seemed so warm. He pulled himself closer, burying his face into Eiji’s sweater.

 

He spoke after taking a deep breath of Eiji's comforting smell. 

 

“It hurt Eiji, it hurt so much. I still remember it even though it was so many years ago. I can feel him pushing me down and smiling at me. He told me I had such a cute dick and that he bet I would feel so good. I just remember how he made me suck him off and how I was choking and he started to laugh.

 

"I thought I was gonna die and then I wanted to die and Eiji, why did he do it? What did I do wrong? I wanted to run away but I couldn’t and he said it was so good but I felt like I was burning and I didn’t know what to do. Why, Eiji? Why?” Eiji ran his hands through Ash’s hair in response, his other arm pulling him closer. Ash closed his eyes, fighting the onslaught of tears that Eiji was coaxing out of him. He needed to be closer to the warmth and he let himself be pulled deeper in.

 

A few moments passed before he spoke again. “I ran home that day and I went to my dad. Maybe I should’ve gone to his girlfriend, but I don’t know, I thought he’d help me. But you know what he said? He asked me if I got paid. And next time, not to let anyone touch me unless they paid me. He literally told me go fuck myself, to get fucked over. I guess he knew his kid was a slut from the start.”

 

“Ash,” Eiji’s voice reverberated in his chest, the vibrations running though each nerve of Ash’s body. “I just want you to know, you are not a slut. And you never will be.” Eiji pulled Ash closer and by now, Ash was in Eiji’s lap, head tucked underneath the his chin. Eiji was giving him a way out, ever the gentleman. But Ash didn't want a way out. He wanted to let it all out. But he didn't want to overwhelm Eiji.

 

“Is it ok if I tell you the rest?” His voice was tentative, too soft even to his ears.

 

“Yes, Ash, please. Whatever you want to say, tell me.”

 

Ash released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. He turned his head, resting his ear on Eiji’s heart, the tempo of beats slowing down his own. Eiji's hands ran a rhythmic pattern through his hair, light touches that were full of love. “I killed him.” Eiji’s hands stilled, taking a moment to process what Ash had just said.

 

“I grabbed by dad’s gun and shot him. Turns out, when they were investigating, he killed a bunch of kids after raping them and buried their bodies there. Everyone told me how lucky I was, but am I really if I have to live with this?

 

“And the worst part is that I felt nothing when I saw him die. I didn’t feel bad or anything. I think part of me felt happy.”

 

Ash pushed himself forward, looking into Eiji’s eyes. “So, still think I’m normal? Do you still think you like a murderer?” He smiled, hoping to hide the fear on his face, hoping his heartbeat wouldn't betray how terrified he felt.

 

Eiji’s eyes were wide, not with fear, but with sadness. No, his eyes had never shown fear. All that was ever reflected in them was warmth, understanding and love. “Ash, you are so brave and strong. You do not have to feel bad for someone like that. I still feel the same way, Ash. Actually, I probably like you even more now.” He pulled Ash into a hug, his grip so tight it almost cut off Ash's breathing. “I am so glad you are here, in front of me right now. I am so glad I am able to hold you like this. Thank you Ash, for living.”

 

Ash blinked, everything seeming slow motion. He looked away, biting his lip. “I didn’t do much.”

 

Eiji shook his head, his hands gripping Ash's, squeezing them, forcing Ash to look back and meet his eyes. “You did the most important thing.” He squeezed him tighter, almost melding their bodies together. It was almost too close.

 

“Eiji?”

 

“Yes, Ash?”

 

“I still have to tell you some stuff.”

 

Eiji laughed at that, pulling away, slightly. “Ash, when I said tell me whatever you want, I meant it. I am here to listen, always.”

 

Ash nodded. He moved back into his position, underneath Eiji's head, making himself as small as he could. He waited until he was comfortable, Eiji's hands moving again, running soothing patterns into his skin, before he spoke again. “So that stuff happened and my dad wasn’t allowed custody of me so I went to live with my aunt for a while and then one day I heard my brother was killed in Afghanistan. And that really messed me up. I was 11 and I was giving my aunt a hard time. So when a dude came to her and told her he was my brother’s friend from the war and he wanted to adopt me, she was more than happy to let me go.

 

“That dude is my adoptive dad, Max. He’s a pretty cool guy but at first I hated him and was really suspicious of him. But he was married and his wife was really nice and pregnant too. I don’t know why, but the fact that he stayed with his wife even though she was pregnant and wasn’t really sexy just made me think he was good guy. I mean my dad dropped his girlfriends the second he found out they were pregnant.

 

“Anyways, Max is a really good dad. He started taking me to therapy and dealt with all my temper tantrums and all the grief I gave him through middle school.

 

“But in high school, I just didn’t want my only experience of sex to be _that_. So I started sleeping around. A lot. Like I would go to clubs and hit on anyone. But I couldn’t do a relationship. I tried a few times but I just shut everyone out. And sometimes I’d be having sex and all of sudden I was back there. And almost always, I’d feel used and disgusting even though I wanted to have sex. I just didn’t get it.

 

“Max caught me once with a guy, my boyfriend actually, and it was not fun. Not because he wasn't cool with me being with a guy but 'cause he didn't want me to be sleeping around in high school. But talking to him made me realize that I was just putting band-aids on a gunshot wound when what I needed was stitches, you know?

 

"And then I met this girl. She was beautiful and nice and funny and she was always there for me. So we talked and I fell in love with her. But I guess she got tired of me but she was too nice to say anything so she just blocked me on everything and told everyone about what happened and the guy that my dad caught me with, was pissed as hell. He said I should’ve told him I was a fucking slut and murderer, that he wouldn’t have slept with me if he knew.”

 

“That was Arthur.” It wasn’t a question.

 

Ash nodded, affirming Eiji’s statement. “Yea, it was him.”

 

“I thought so.”

 

“Yea, he was pissed. And that’s why I was so scared to try anything with you and I wish I would’ve talked to you sooner. Now I’m not in that class, my dad is pissed at me and Shorter hates me.”

 

Eiji titled his head, eyebrows raised up. “Why is your father angry with you? And why would Shorter ever hate you?”

 

“So, when my brother died, I found out that my dad was the one who shot one because he took some drug that made him go batshit crazy and start shooting everyone. I told him that I knew he only took me in as a charity case and that he was using me to make himself feel better and yea…” Saying it out loud made Ash feel how childish he had been.

 

Eiji’s expression said the same thing. “Ash, I understand you were upset but that was very stu-“

 

“I know, I know. I was just upset and now I don’t know what to do.”

 

“For someone so smart, you are very dumb at times. I guess all blonds are a little slow.”

 

Ash glared at Eiji, who looked completely unaffected. “So what should I do, Oh Great Brunet?”

 

“You should apologize and talk to him. And do the same for Shorter. He is very sad as well.”

 

“Wait! Shorter said something? What?”

 

“Ask himself yourself, talk to him. He is your best friend, he deserves to know.” Despite his stern tone, Eiji ran his hands over Ash’s body, pausing ever so often to rub circles.

 

“Thank you Eiji. And I’m sorry about the class.”

 

“What about the class?”

 

“Well, I dropped out so I guess you won’t do well. So I’m sorry.”

 

“Oh that. Blanca obviously did not go through with your request and called me right after to tell me what happened. He said that you were being dramatic again. Also you did not submit a written request.”

 

Ash groaned. He looked like a complete idiot. He had been so dramatic and childish just for the entire thing to be so simple. All he had to do was talk and open up for once.

 

“Hey Eiji?”

 

“Yes, Ash?”

 

“I think I’m in love with you and I kinda wanna kiss you right now.”

 

“I think I love you too and I am very open to the idea of kissing you.”

 

Ash laughed and for the first time in a long while, he felt so light and free. He pulled Eiji into his smiling lips, smile growing when he realized that Eiji's lips mirrored his.

Resting his hand on Eiji’s chest, he felt his heart, the thudding reminding him he was here, and able to make any choice he wanted, that he wasn’t alone anymore.

 

Everything was warmer and he kissed Eiji again, knowing everything would be fine, because now he had him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that is a wrap! thank you for sticking with me through the crazy journey. this was my first fic that ive ever completed and i honestly could not have done it without the comments you guys left me. so thank you! i hope you enjoyed it and as always comments are appreciated!  
> stick around for my next fic that i will (hopefully) post more regularly <3
> 
> a lot of Ash's trauma is actually taken from my own experience and his coping strategy (sleeping around) is what i did in high school as well. i always see fics and posts abt how he would be not into sex but as someone who dealt with abuse, i actually became extremely sexually active, to overwrite that experience. a lot of times i had sex, i liked it but the aftermath wasnt good and thats what i HC ash as.   
> so thats a bit where that came from.
> 
> thank you once again!

**Author's Note:**

> as always feel free to interact with me on my twitter @moonekon  
> i appreciate all comments and kudos!


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